Tuesday, November 13, 2012
The Tower of Owls
And the Earl had said: 'This is my hour, Flay. You must go from here, Mr Flay. You must go away. This is the hour of my reincarnation. I must be alone with him. That you killed him is your glory. That I can take him to them is mine. Good-bye, for my life is beginning. Good-bye ... good-bye.'
from Titus Groan
Labels: MAMMON, SELF IMPROVEMENT, WORDS
Monday, September 20, 2010
Designing the dater base
Teaching IT to international students provides me with constant challenges, not the least of which is keeping classroom fatalities to an absolute minimum.
Fortunately, years of teaching experience have equipped me with a giddying array of classroom strategies, the best of which is: keep it relevant to the students' interests.
For example, this week I had to teach Microsoft's Access database: the one part of MS Office that nobody, but nobody is going to use casually in everyday life.
Happily, I'd caught a few of the ladies looking for true love (a willing sap) online in a previous lesson, so I came up with a top exercise: design a database for an internet dating site.
I put some examples up on the board:
Username - text
Telephone number - text
Height (cm) - number
I warned my students against using "number" format for telephone numbers. I also warned them against including "weight" on their list of required fields - as if anyone would ever tell the truth.
I then left them to it for a few minutes before I wondered round and inspected their efforts. It proved a bit of an insight into human nature: several of the ladies had specified salary - number as a required field. Damn gold diggers.
I decided to check on one of the blokes. It wasn't much better.
Virgin - Yes/No
Fortunately, years of teaching experience have equipped me with a giddying array of classroom strategies, the best of which is: keep it relevant to the students' interests.
For example, this week I had to teach Microsoft's Access database: the one part of MS Office that nobody, but nobody is going to use casually in everyday life.
Happily, I'd caught a few of the ladies looking for true love (a willing sap) online in a previous lesson, so I came up with a top exercise: design a database for an internet dating site.
I put some examples up on the board:
Username - text
Telephone number - text
Height (cm) - number
I warned my students against using "number" format for telephone numbers. I also warned them against including "weight" on their list of required fields - as if anyone would ever tell the truth.
I then left them to it for a few minutes before I wondered round and inspected their efforts. It proved a bit of an insight into human nature: several of the ladies had specified salary - number as a required field. Damn gold diggers.
I decided to check on one of the blokes. It wasn't much better.
Virgin - Yes/No
Friday, July 16, 2010
Practice what you teach
"Guys, if you're going to stand about swearing can you please bugger off outside?"
***
Best thing is, the students weren't even swearing - they were just struggling a bit with pronouncing the word 'sheet'.
***
Best thing is, the students weren't even swearing - they were just struggling a bit with pronouncing the word 'sheet'.
Labels: MAMMON, MISDEEDS, WORDS
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The agony and the ecstasy
We had the joy of seeing Coventry City on the idiot box last week in their FA Cup replay against Portsmouth.
Sam and I dashed into Coral beforehand to lay a couple of wagers on the outcome.
In a fairly dire game, Coventry led from the first half, before scoring a dreadful own goal in the 89th minute.
As I had laid a fiver on Coventry to lead at half time and be level at full time, I wasn't exactly taking the kitchenware to my wrists when this happened.
Sam, also a Cov fan, was a little less chipper - none of his bets had come home.
Neither of us were particularly pleased with Cov's defending during extra time, particularly when they conceded in the 119th minute, to consign dreams of cup glory to the cupboard for another year.
I did have a £70 win to sugar the pill, though - call it heartbreak insurance.
Labels: COMRADES, MAMMON, THE BEAUTIFUL GAME
Monday, September 01, 2008
Oishiku mo nai
I was explaining to an OB that whilst "sushi", "sake" and "tofu" are likely to be understood by English speakers, variations thereof, such as "chirashi-zushi", "shiro-zake" and "age-dofu", are just going to confuse people.
He was good enough to explain that shiro-zake is made from rice and kouji.
Ah, kouji. I said, picking up my board marker. I haven't a clue what kouji is of course, but I figured I might as well have a stab. I sketched out a couple of kanji on the board.
On the left, kou: crimson.
On the right, ji: haemorrhoids.
Unsurprisingly, this turned out not to have been what he meant at all, although he had a good laugh at my attempt.
I admitted that I didn't know what kouji was and he conceded that shiro-zake wasn't really all that different from regular sake. Except for the fact that it was non-alcoholic.
I told him that calling it non-alcoholic sake would be a good start.
He was good enough to explain that shiro-zake is made from rice and kouji.
Ah, kouji. I said, picking up my board marker. I haven't a clue what kouji is of course, but I figured I might as well have a stab. I sketched out a couple of kanji on the board.
On the left, kou: crimson.
On the right, ji: haemorrhoids.
Unsurprisingly, this turned out not to have been what he meant at all, although he had a good laugh at my attempt.
I admitted that I didn't know what kouji was and he conceded that shiro-zake wasn't really all that different from regular sake. Except for the fact that it was non-alcoholic.
I told him that calling it non-alcoholic sake would be a good start.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Taking the "tat" out of tattoos
The textbook made mention of tattoos- I decided a digression was in order and sketched down a few of the tattoos I've see on friends and acquaintances over the last few years. I then asked the students whether they thought these were a Hit or a Miss.
The students probably thought that this was an exercise in expressing one's opinion. In fact, as far as I am concerned, there are definite right and wrong answers for each. Let's have a look, shall we?
"Hit!" said my two students.
"Good God, no." I said. "He might as well have tryhard tattooed on himself. The only excuse he has is that he was sixteen when he had it done."
"Miss!" said the students. "He must not have known what it meant."
"Actually, it represents the year of his birth." I said. "And it's a hit."
"You like to keep balance," said one of the students, pointing at the scoresheet where I was recording the votes in the Hit and Miss columns.
Hmmmm. Harmony isn't exactly my watchword.
"Miss!" beamed my students.
"Damn your insolence!" I cried. "It's a hit!"
***
I then got snarled up in the ugly business of trying to explain the difference between Hits and Misses. It basically boils down to cheesiness.
The kanji tattoo, an ubiquitous cliche of our times, inherently runs a pretty high risk of being cheesy. "Shinobi" is a prime example. "Hitsuji" (sheep) actually has some individuality and relevance about it, so it doesn't rate so highly on the cheese-o-meter.
Getting the Superman logo tattooed on yourself is possibly the most cavalier usage of one's skin that I've ever been privileged to witness and, as such, transcends mere notions of cheesiness.
***
My brainwave for redeeming kanji tattoos from the realm of coffee shop-spirituality is this: to get a really obscure kanji with an absolutely terrible meaning, thus combining the aesthetic with a suitable touch of irony.
And here's the tattoo I'm going to get:
Most Japanese wouldn't recognise this.
It means "leprosy."
The students probably thought that this was an exercise in expressing one's opinion. In fact, as far as I am concerned, there are definite right and wrong answers for each. Let's have a look, shall we?
Sono 1
"shinobi" meaning "endurance"
also appears in the word "ninja"
"Hit!" said my two students.
"Good God, no." I said. "He might as well have tryhard tattooed on himself. The only excuse he has is that he was sixteen when he had it done."
Sono 2
Sheep
"Miss!" said the students. "He must not have known what it meant."
"Actually, it represents the year of his birth." I said. "And it's a hit."
"You like to keep balance," said one of the students, pointing at the scoresheet where I was recording the votes in the Hit and Miss columns.
Hmmmm. Harmony isn't exactly my watchword.
Sono 3
The Superman logo. And I'm not even joking.
"Miss!" beamed my students.
"Damn your insolence!" I cried. "It's a hit!"
***
I then got snarled up in the ugly business of trying to explain the difference between Hits and Misses. It basically boils down to cheesiness.
The kanji tattoo, an ubiquitous cliche of our times, inherently runs a pretty high risk of being cheesy. "Shinobi" is a prime example. "Hitsuji" (sheep) actually has some individuality and relevance about it, so it doesn't rate so highly on the cheese-o-meter.
Getting the Superman logo tattooed on yourself is possibly the most cavalier usage of one's skin that I've ever been privileged to witness and, as such, transcends mere notions of cheesiness.
***
My brainwave for redeeming kanji tattoos from the realm of coffee shop-spirituality is this: to get a really obscure kanji with an absolutely terrible meaning, thus combining the aesthetic with a suitable touch of irony.
And here's the tattoo I'm going to get:
Most Japanese wouldn't recognise this.
It means "leprosy."
Labels: BUNKA, COMRADES, MAMMON
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Repent!
Every now and then, there is the unfortunate necessity of doing a lesson on Social Ills. This is a great deal less fun than teaching elderly women not to count cheese. However, recently I came up with the answer to all of Japan's problems.
Catholicism.
There- I said it: Catholicism.
My student looked mystified as well.
***
What- you want me to explain? OK...
***
Big problem #1: Japanese people tend to commit suicide more than people from most other countries, whether it be samurai honourably disembowelling themselves, salarymen belly-flopping onto train lines or government ministers taking "the gentleman's way out" (making sure to leave behind a note implicating their wives.)
Catholic view of suicide: go straight to hell and burn, you worthless sinner. Burn from the balls up whilst Satan and his hellish minions take turns puncturing your eyeballs with their naughty parts.
It might even prove a more effective deterrent than JR billing the families for delayed trains.
***
Big problem #2: declining birthrate.
Catholic view of contraception: burn, burn in a pool of magma, whilst Beelzebub empties his bladder over your hapless forehead, you selfish hound.
***
My student now looked not only mystified, but also a little panicky. I may have my first convert.
Disclaimer: the author of this post is not a Catholic.
Catholicism.
There- I said it: Catholicism.
My student looked mystified as well.
***
What- you want me to explain? OK...
***
Big problem #1: Japanese people tend to commit suicide more than people from most other countries, whether it be samurai honourably disembowelling themselves, salarymen belly-flopping onto train lines or government ministers taking "the gentleman's way out" (making sure to leave behind a note implicating their wives.)
Catholic view of suicide: go straight to hell and burn, you worthless sinner. Burn from the balls up whilst Satan and his hellish minions take turns puncturing your eyeballs with their naughty parts.
It might even prove a more effective deterrent than JR billing the families for delayed trains.
***
Big problem #2: declining birthrate.
Catholic view of contraception: burn, burn in a pool of magma, whilst Beelzebub empties his bladder over your hapless forehead, you selfish hound.
***
My student now looked not only mystified, but also a little panicky. I may have my first convert.
Disclaimer: the author of this post is not a Catholic.
Labels: BUNKA, MAMMON, MISDEEDS
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
An extra-curricular perk
I have a cold or something. I woke up this morning with my head so blocked up that hearing in my right ear was impeded.
I grabbed my bag, indoor shoes and guitar and dragged myself off to school.
(Note: I always take my guitar to the elementary schools; I have been called upon to sing a number of ditties in class, including "on top of the world", "you are my sunshine" and other such timeless classics.)
When the headmaster materialised suddenly next to my desk with a guitar of his own and a bunch of sheet music, I had a suspicion that things were not about to get any better. It turned out that the second period was the goodbye concert for the departing 6th grade and the powers that be were desirous of my contribution to the non-music. I pulled my own axe out of its bag and strummed my way through a practice round with the head, secretly grateful that he was standing on my hearing-impaired right hand side, as his guitar was about as in tune as an aviary full of mad parrots.
Fortunately or otherwise, the head's tin ear also prevented him from noticing that I wasn't exactly making light work of the music. After the one practice round, he declared himself satisfied and disappeared, leaving me to squint at the music and wonder what the heck I was doing even coming to school today.
One lesson later, I was strumming as best I could through the tune in a sports hall full of children. Thankfully, there were keyboards and drums playing too, so nobody could really tell that I was anything less than Clapton.
And Dan lives to fight another day.
I grabbed my bag, indoor shoes and guitar and dragged myself off to school.
(Note: I always take my guitar to the elementary schools; I have been called upon to sing a number of ditties in class, including "on top of the world", "you are my sunshine" and other such timeless classics.)
When the headmaster materialised suddenly next to my desk with a guitar of his own and a bunch of sheet music, I had a suspicion that things were not about to get any better. It turned out that the second period was the goodbye concert for the departing 6th grade and the powers that be were desirous of my contribution to the non-music. I pulled my own axe out of its bag and strummed my way through a practice round with the head, secretly grateful that he was standing on my hearing-impaired right hand side, as his guitar was about as in tune as an aviary full of mad parrots.
Fortunately or otherwise, the head's tin ear also prevented him from noticing that I wasn't exactly making light work of the music. After the one practice round, he declared himself satisfied and disappeared, leaving me to squint at the music and wonder what the heck I was doing even coming to school today.
One lesson later, I was strumming as best I could through the tune in a sports hall full of children. Thankfully, there were keyboards and drums playing too, so nobody could really tell that I was anything less than Clapton.
And Dan lives to fight another day.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Million-dollar Valentine.
When the clock hits midnight, my pumpkin turns back into a coach; although I'm more the opposite of Faust than of Cinderella.
Labels: MAMMON
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Who Man-boo?
My first lesson at my new school, back in December, was with class 1-2. And it was hellish.
Since then, I've got a lot more used to them (and they to me) and it's a barrel of laughs at the moment.
For example, last week a student demonstrated mastery of the possessive pronoun "mine" by leaping onto a desk and loudly declaring ownership of his own penis.
I held my poker face for a fraction of a second, then burst into shameless laughter.
This week, I was drawing a picture of Homer Simpson on the board whilst explaining to students why I always say "Y'ello?" when answering the phone. One of the students jumped up and said he wanted to draw something.
Go ahead, I said.
He drew a pig's face on the blackboard. Very cute.
A second student expressed a wish to doodle. I assented and he drew a couple of lines around the pig's face, leaving the impression that the pig's face was on a bird's-eye-view picture of a canoe, or else peeping out from between some curtains.
A third student came up, further lines were added, and the canoe now looked more like a banana.
And then a fourth student came up and did a couple of horizontal lines.
And I realised that what I was looking at was a pig's head sticking out of a woman's... well, sticking out of a woman, at any rate.
I am rather quicker on the uptake than my Japanese teaching counterpart- an intellectual distinction which I suspect I may share with the vast majority of multicellular organisms- so it was a few moments before she realised the significance of the picture on the board, and by that time I had pretty much lost all pretence of self-control.
"Man-bu!" shouted the students. "Man-BOOOO!!!"
And, unfamiliar though I was with the term, thanks to the picture on the board I was able to determine that, on some bizarre level, it meant a pig's head sticking out of a woman.
And I was truly grateful for the knowledge.
Since then, I've got a lot more used to them (and they to me) and it's a barrel of laughs at the moment.
For example, last week a student demonstrated mastery of the possessive pronoun "mine" by leaping onto a desk and loudly declaring ownership of his own penis.
I held my poker face for a fraction of a second, then burst into shameless laughter.
This week, I was drawing a picture of Homer Simpson on the board whilst explaining to students why I always say "Y'ello?" when answering the phone. One of the students jumped up and said he wanted to draw something.
Go ahead, I said.
He drew a pig's face on the blackboard. Very cute.
A second student expressed a wish to doodle. I assented and he drew a couple of lines around the pig's face, leaving the impression that the pig's face was on a bird's-eye-view picture of a canoe, or else peeping out from between some curtains.
A third student came up, further lines were added, and the canoe now looked more like a banana.
And then a fourth student came up and did a couple of horizontal lines.
And I realised that what I was looking at was a pig's head sticking out of a woman's... well, sticking out of a woman, at any rate.
I am rather quicker on the uptake than my Japanese teaching counterpart- an intellectual distinction which I suspect I may share with the vast majority of multicellular organisms- so it was a few moments before she realised the significance of the picture on the board, and by that time I had pretty much lost all pretence of self-control.
"Man-bu!" shouted the students. "Man-BOOOO!!!"
And, unfamiliar though I was with the term, thanks to the picture on the board I was able to determine that, on some bizarre level, it meant a pig's head sticking out of a woman.
And I was truly grateful for the knowledge.
Labels: BUNKA, MAMMON, MOMENTS
Saturday, January 19, 2008
The shortest 15th Century of all time, but welcome nonetheless
For those of you not in the know, I enjoyed a payday for the first time in four months on Monday. I celebrated by paying off my rent, so I'm back on instant ramen again. I don't give an arse, though: I survived this long, so I'm pretty confident I'm going to make it.
On which subject, a few thank yous are due:
To my family for being amazingly understanding and supportive
To Tricky and Brett for getting me drunk
To all my well-wishers and benefactors
And to the VMM, for putting me back on my feet when my race was all but run
Not much else to report at the moment, so I'll take it out on a musical number:
On which subject, a few thank yous are due:
To my family for being amazingly understanding and supportive
To Tricky and Brett for getting me drunk
To all my well-wishers and benefactors
And to the VMM, for putting me back on my feet when my race was all but run
Not much else to report at the moment, so I'll take it out on a musical number:
Labels: CLAN, COMRADES, MAMMON, U-TUBE
Friday, January 04, 2008
Hold on for just one more day
The last time I got paid- the last time I actually got paid paid- was in September.
I've been living in the 1400s for the past three and a half months. Except that my new job pays on the 14th of a month, so I suppose I should call them the 1300s now. Except that this month the 14th is a national holiday, which leaves me pretty much back where I started: waiting for the 15th.
Tonight, Tricky is going to stump up the cash for me to come out on his birthday celebration. Tomorrow, I start counting down: "Ten..."
Just a little longer.
Just a little
I've been living in the 1400s for the past three and a half months. Except that my new job pays on the 14th of a month, so I suppose I should call them the 1300s now. Except that this month the 14th is a national holiday, which leaves me pretty much back where I started: waiting for the 15th.
Tonight, Tricky is going to stump up the cash for me to come out on his birthday celebration. Tomorrow, I start counting down: "Ten..."
Just a little longer.
Just a little
Labels: MAMMON
Thursday, December 27, 2007
2007: before the dust settles entirely...
Gave a bit of thought to how to write up the year yesterday, while I was pounding out the miles alongside the river (see halloween story if this doesn't ring any bells.)
Simplest thing, I decided, would be to sort out this year's winners and losers.
And here they are:
Winner: English club football
Three teams in the semi-finals of the Champions League? Can't be bad. I thought Liverpool were pretty unlucky in the final against Milan too. Third year running an English team has made the final.
Loser: England
On the other hand, the English national team were so far off the pace, that they've probably assured themselves a "loser's" berth in next year's column as well. The overpaid under achievers that stank up the pitch in the European Championship qualifying campaign will be bringing their mediocrity to the commentary box in next summer's tournament. Be prepared to turn down the volume.
Loser: Real Osaka FC
Having spanked their way to three back-to-back Awaji titles, Real would surely have been contenders for the All-Japan championship that was scheduled for January. Sadly, the plug was pulled on the tournament and Real went on to win precisely sod all this year, losing in the final of the spring Awaji tournament and only managing third place in the autumn tournament. The only gong I won all year was with Murphy's, for crying out loud.
Loser: Gaijin in Japan
With the murder of Lindsay Hawker and the subsequent failure of the police to apprehend her killer for starters, the collapse of NOVA putting everyone out of work as the main course, and the introduction of compulsory fingerprinting and mugshots at immigration (for everyone, including those on a spouse visa), it's been a bit of a difficult year to swallow.
When I poured the brandy over the xmas pudding, I got the feeling that we've never needed so much to burn away a year's luck.
Loser: Sumo
Let's start with the positives: a new yokozuna (sumo's highest rank) and a new Japanese Ozeki (sumo's second-highest rank.)
OK, so the year started with Mongolian Asashoryu the lone yokozuna, as he had been for quite a while. Having never been all that popular in the weeklies (or in general), it was no surprise when stories about bribery and match-fixing popped up ahead of the spring tournament in Osaka. Ho hum, off to a flying start.
Early leader in the Osaka tourny was Japanese ozeki Tochiazuma. Sadly, he retired from the tournament, complaining of crippling headaches. A few days later, it turned out that he would be retiring permanently for health reasons, having suffered what appeared to be a mild stroke. The Osaka tournament went to Mongolian ozeki Hakuho, who won with the much-frowned-upon trick of sidestepping at the start of the crucial bout against Asashoryu. No one was complaining too much though: Asashoryu had done exactly the same thing in his previous bout.
On to the next tournament and Asashoryu had a bit of a nightmare, managing to lose FIVE times and looking badly out of sorts. Hakuho took full advantage, clinching his second successive gong and thereby fulfilling the minimum requirements for a promotion to yokozuna status. The sumo council hastily made it happen and there was finally another yokozuna to challenge Asa's throne.
The next tournament was in Nagoya, where a resurgent Asashoryu defeated Hakuho on the final day to beat local boy Kotomitsuki overall. Koto earned himself a level-up to ozeki, which was a bright spot for Japanese sumo.
Then it all went a bit Christmas panto: Asa took a break from a regional sumo tour in order to recover from a back injury. During the course of his break, he played in a charity football match for, oh, say a couple of minutes? Anyway, this went all over the media and Asa was suspended from the following two grand tournaments for his misdemeanour, as well as losing a bundle of cash and being effectively put under house arrest by the sumo association. Claiming to be stressed and depressed, he was eventually granted leave to return to his native Mongolia after a doctor was found to vouch for the fact that this would aid his recovery. The tabloids had a field day with this one as well.
As a result, Hakuho strolled to the next two tournaments. For those who think that Barry Bonds ought to have an asterisk next to his name in the record books, I submit Hakuho for your consideration (albeit through no fault of his own.)
Anything else? Oh yes...
Well, there were no Japanese applicants to sit the examination to become a trainee sumo wrestler this year. This looked quite a wise decision on the part of Japan's youth when the case emerged of Tokitaizan, a 17-year-old trainee, who died at his stable on June 26th. The stable selflessly offered to have the youngster's remains cremated without the family seeing them, an offer which the family refused. It transpired that Tokitaizan, who had died during training, had previously been savagely beaten with objects including a beer bottle. Quite a training regime, when you consider that sumo is unarmed combat.
The Kyushu tournament, the last of the year was remarkable mainly for empty seats. Quite a disappointment when Kyushu-born ozeki Chiyotaikai had a share of the lead going into the final weekend. The Yomiuri newspaper wisely commented that Kyushu shouldn't be hosting a tournament if there weren't going to be bums on seats and suggested sumo's heartlands of Tohoku and Hokkaido as alternatives. Given the Sumo Council's track record on change, don't expect this any time soon.
A year to forget for sumo, thanks to a catalogue of largely self-inflicted disasters. Best course of action would be to have the heads of the sumo council on a spike, in my opinion. The New Year tournament will see the return of Asa: king of the gaijin. Fingerprint this, bitches!
Winner: the war against drugs in sports
Marion Jones finally came clean about the fact that she, er, wasn't clean; Barry Bonds's record-breaking home run ball got branded with an asterisk to suggest the record is tainted by his alleged drug use, then there was the release of the Mitchell Report; and the Tour De France would have had more credibility if it had been decided by paper-scissors-stone.
Plus Torri Edwards finishing out of the medals in the women's 200 metres in Osaka, although my schadenfreude was somewhat tempered by the fact that Edwards picked up a gold in the relay, not to mention the fact that the gigantic Sri Lankan she-male who pipped Edwards to the bronze in the 200 looked like she had more testosterone in her than the old East German swimming team.
Winner: Facebook
This time last year, the only people I'd ever heard mention Facebook were KJB and Adam; now even my mother's got it. Facebook's phenomenal success is easy to understand: as well as being a very easy way to share photographs it has the "tag" option, which makes it very easy to locate items of interest in other people's albums. It also stomps all over the toes of e-mail, mailing lists and blogging amongst other things.
The groups thing is also great: I'm in Real Osaka, SBA FC and You Don't Like Marmite? You're A Twat, amongst others.
Of course, Facebook is not without its annoyances:
Markiyan took an IQ test
(And, in so doing, gets top marks on the Dan Insecurity Test.)
Namrita has bitten you
(That's a nasty, nasty habit you've got there.)
Find out how alike you are
(The fact that I'm receiving this message shows that we're not.)
Sign up for Funwall
Sign up for Superwall
Sign up for SuperFunwall
Sign up for HIVwall
(I made that one up)
Winner: Dan's waistline
Loser: Dan's hairline
Simplest thing, I decided, would be to sort out this year's winners and losers.
And here they are:
Winner: English club football
Three teams in the semi-finals of the Champions League? Can't be bad. I thought Liverpool were pretty unlucky in the final against Milan too. Third year running an English team has made the final.
Loser: England
On the other hand, the English national team were so far off the pace, that they've probably assured themselves a "loser's" berth in next year's column as well. The overpaid under achievers that stank up the pitch in the European Championship qualifying campaign will be bringing their mediocrity to the commentary box in next summer's tournament. Be prepared to turn down the volume.
Loser: Real Osaka FC
Having spanked their way to three back-to-back Awaji titles, Real would surely have been contenders for the All-Japan championship that was scheduled for January. Sadly, the plug was pulled on the tournament and Real went on to win precisely sod all this year, losing in the final of the spring Awaji tournament and only managing third place in the autumn tournament. The only gong I won all year was with Murphy's, for crying out loud.
Loser: Gaijin in Japan
With the murder of Lindsay Hawker and the subsequent failure of the police to apprehend her killer for starters, the collapse of NOVA putting everyone out of work as the main course, and the introduction of compulsory fingerprinting and mugshots at immigration (for everyone, including those on a spouse visa), it's been a bit of a difficult year to swallow.
When I poured the brandy over the xmas pudding, I got the feeling that we've never needed so much to burn away a year's luck.
Loser: Sumo
Let's start with the positives: a new yokozuna (sumo's highest rank) and a new Japanese Ozeki (sumo's second-highest rank.)
OK, so the year started with Mongolian Asashoryu the lone yokozuna, as he had been for quite a while. Having never been all that popular in the weeklies (or in general), it was no surprise when stories about bribery and match-fixing popped up ahead of the spring tournament in Osaka. Ho hum, off to a flying start.
Early leader in the Osaka tourny was Japanese ozeki Tochiazuma. Sadly, he retired from the tournament, complaining of crippling headaches. A few days later, it turned out that he would be retiring permanently for health reasons, having suffered what appeared to be a mild stroke. The Osaka tournament went to Mongolian ozeki Hakuho, who won with the much-frowned-upon trick of sidestepping at the start of the crucial bout against Asashoryu. No one was complaining too much though: Asashoryu had done exactly the same thing in his previous bout.
On to the next tournament and Asashoryu had a bit of a nightmare, managing to lose FIVE times and looking badly out of sorts. Hakuho took full advantage, clinching his second successive gong and thereby fulfilling the minimum requirements for a promotion to yokozuna status. The sumo council hastily made it happen and there was finally another yokozuna to challenge Asa's throne.
The next tournament was in Nagoya, where a resurgent Asashoryu defeated Hakuho on the final day to beat local boy Kotomitsuki overall. Koto earned himself a level-up to ozeki, which was a bright spot for Japanese sumo.
Then it all went a bit Christmas panto: Asa took a break from a regional sumo tour in order to recover from a back injury. During the course of his break, he played in a charity football match for, oh, say a couple of minutes? Anyway, this went all over the media and Asa was suspended from the following two grand tournaments for his misdemeanour, as well as losing a bundle of cash and being effectively put under house arrest by the sumo association. Claiming to be stressed and depressed, he was eventually granted leave to return to his native Mongolia after a doctor was found to vouch for the fact that this would aid his recovery. The tabloids had a field day with this one as well.
As a result, Hakuho strolled to the next two tournaments. For those who think that Barry Bonds ought to have an asterisk next to his name in the record books, I submit Hakuho for your consideration (albeit through no fault of his own.)
Anything else? Oh yes...
Well, there were no Japanese applicants to sit the examination to become a trainee sumo wrestler this year. This looked quite a wise decision on the part of Japan's youth when the case emerged of Tokitaizan, a 17-year-old trainee, who died at his stable on June 26th. The stable selflessly offered to have the youngster's remains cremated without the family seeing them, an offer which the family refused. It transpired that Tokitaizan, who had died during training, had previously been savagely beaten with objects including a beer bottle. Quite a training regime, when you consider that sumo is unarmed combat.
The Kyushu tournament, the last of the year was remarkable mainly for empty seats. Quite a disappointment when Kyushu-born ozeki Chiyotaikai had a share of the lead going into the final weekend. The Yomiuri newspaper wisely commented that Kyushu shouldn't be hosting a tournament if there weren't going to be bums on seats and suggested sumo's heartlands of Tohoku and Hokkaido as alternatives. Given the Sumo Council's track record on change, don't expect this any time soon.
A year to forget for sumo, thanks to a catalogue of largely self-inflicted disasters. Best course of action would be to have the heads of the sumo council on a spike, in my opinion. The New Year tournament will see the return of Asa: king of the gaijin. Fingerprint this, bitches!
Winner: the war against drugs in sports
Marion Jones finally came clean about the fact that she, er, wasn't clean; Barry Bonds's record-breaking home run ball got branded with an asterisk to suggest the record is tainted by his alleged drug use, then there was the release of the Mitchell Report; and the Tour De France would have had more credibility if it had been decided by paper-scissors-stone.
Plus Torri Edwards finishing out of the medals in the women's 200 metres in Osaka, although my schadenfreude was somewhat tempered by the fact that Edwards picked up a gold in the relay, not to mention the fact that the gigantic Sri Lankan she-male who pipped Edwards to the bronze in the 200 looked like she had more testosterone in her than the old East German swimming team.
Winner: Facebook
This time last year, the only people I'd ever heard mention Facebook were KJB and Adam; now even my mother's got it. Facebook's phenomenal success is easy to understand: as well as being a very easy way to share photographs it has the "tag" option, which makes it very easy to locate items of interest in other people's albums. It also stomps all over the toes of e-mail, mailing lists and blogging amongst other things.
The groups thing is also great: I'm in Real Osaka, SBA FC and You Don't Like Marmite? You're A Twat, amongst others.
Of course, Facebook is not without its annoyances:
Markiyan took an IQ test
(And, in so doing, gets top marks on the Dan Insecurity Test.)
Namrita has bitten you
(That's a nasty, nasty habit you've got there.)
Find out how alike you are
(The fact that I'm receiving this message shows that we're not.)
Sign up for Funwall
Sign up for Superwall
Sign up for SuperFunwall
Sign up for HIVwall
(I made that one up)
Winner: Dan's waistline
Loser: Dan's hairline
Labels: BUNKA, MAMMON, NEWS, THE BEAUTIFUL GAME
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Contemporary interviewing techniques
Big day on Friday: an interview for an ALT position covering various schools in the Playagawa area (props: VMM).
I arrived twenty minutes early, went for some convenience store coffee and made it back with the impression that the uniform Circle K employees are rocking may even be more horrible than that of their Daily Yamazaki counterparts.
First of all, I got chucked into a room with a few question sheets: one grammar/spelling quiz, a sheet of questions on Japanese culture and a self-evaluation psychology quiz (which came with a bibliography of which self-help books you can send off for once you've pigeon-holed yourself.)
This latter was a bit of a joke. By answering a series of closed questions, I was supposed to identify myself as either a Thinker or a Feeler. Sample question:
Do you prefer writers who:
a. Say what they think
b. Use symbolism and metaphor
WTF? I thought. How anyone can be expected to draw up a psychological profile based on this kind of non-data is entirely beyond me. How about changing the question to:
Do you prefer writers who:
a. Are mediocre to the last degree, but at least provide children with some decent, sterile morality, eg. Enid Blyton
b. Are absolute geniuses, but prefer sodomy to more biblically-acceptable forms of sexual intercourse, eg. Christopher Marlowe
It was once I got to the unexpectedly tricky marking scheme that the penny dropped: the whole purpose of the exercise was to test how thorough I was at marking test results. Suitably impressed with my insight, I double checked my marking and was rewarded when I found that I had recorded one of my answers incorrectly.
***
Non-threatening interviewer (hereafter NTI) finally comes in to see if I've finished my mountain of paperwork.
NTI: How did you go? The psychology test is pretty time-consuming isn't it?
DAN: Yes... was that by any chance to test how thorough I was at marking?
NTI: Oh no, we prefer our teachers to be the "Feeler" type: they're generally better with children.
DAN: Oh.
Silently laments the fact that his test score identifies him as a hard-nosed rationalist roundheaad. I knew that bloody test couldn't be trusted.
***
Fortunately, my demonstration lesson went off without a hitch and I did ok on the Japanese roleplay. If the worst comes to the worst, I've got another interview Wednesday morning. Fingers crossed!
I arrived twenty minutes early, went for some convenience store coffee and made it back with the impression that the uniform Circle K employees are rocking may even be more horrible than that of their Daily Yamazaki counterparts.
First of all, I got chucked into a room with a few question sheets: one grammar/spelling quiz, a sheet of questions on Japanese culture and a self-evaluation psychology quiz (which came with a bibliography of which self-help books you can send off for once you've pigeon-holed yourself.)
This latter was a bit of a joke. By answering a series of closed questions, I was supposed to identify myself as either a Thinker or a Feeler. Sample question:
Do you prefer writers who:
a. Say what they think
b. Use symbolism and metaphor
WTF? I thought. How anyone can be expected to draw up a psychological profile based on this kind of non-data is entirely beyond me. How about changing the question to:
Do you prefer writers who:
a. Are mediocre to the last degree, but at least provide children with some decent, sterile morality, eg. Enid Blyton
b. Are absolute geniuses, but prefer sodomy to more biblically-acceptable forms of sexual intercourse, eg. Christopher Marlowe
It was once I got to the unexpectedly tricky marking scheme that the penny dropped: the whole purpose of the exercise was to test how thorough I was at marking test results. Suitably impressed with my insight, I double checked my marking and was rewarded when I found that I had recorded one of my answers incorrectly.
***
Non-threatening interviewer (hereafter NTI) finally comes in to see if I've finished my mountain of paperwork.
NTI: How did you go? The psychology test is pretty time-consuming isn't it?
DAN: Yes... was that by any chance to test how thorough I was at marking?
NTI: Oh no, we prefer our teachers to be the "Feeler" type: they're generally better with children.
DAN: Oh.
Silently laments the fact that his test score identifies him as a hard-nosed rationalist roundheaad. I knew that bloody test couldn't be trusted.
***
Fortunately, my demonstration lesson went off without a hitch and I did ok on the Japanese roleplay. If the worst comes to the worst, I've got another interview Wednesday morning. Fingers crossed!
Labels: MAMMON
Monday, November 05, 2007
Counting the small victories, still waiting for the big one
And so the wait continues: mail today from bug-eyed psychopath staff (she means well) states that Avon will not be choosing its sponsor until the 8th (Thursday), which means that I certainly won't be seeing any of the money they owe me this week.
That said, financial salvation beckons in the unlikely form of one of my (ex?) students, who will be paying me cash in hand for a lesson tomorrow.
Potential drawbacks:
1. I'm not charging enough.
2. Given the inconvenient location and attendant travel costs, I'm definitely not charging enough.
3. Given that the student in question is none other than HK legend "Deady McHusband" (nickname derived from her favourite conversation topic: her dead husband), I'm definitely, definitely not charging enough.
That said, I'm not feeling too trapped between days: Monday has been a day of small victories.
First of all, I paid my bills without waiting for any of my utilities to be cut off first.
Secondly, I got my pain-in-the-neck computer to actually run a functional Japanese dictionary program. I celebrated this quantum leap in academic potential by neglecting my studies for the rest of the afternoon and playing computer pinball until I finally managed to force the obscene entry I made while drunk off the high score table.
Thirdly, I got my test voucher for this year's Japanese proficiency test: rather than having to hoof it out to the unlovely Osaka University campus I've visited twice before, I'll be taking the test in Owada, which is on my usual train route and much better for my inner calm.
Came to the net cafe after 5km on the treadmill at the gym and found that someone's finally offering me a job interview! Took you long enough, dumbasses!
(Bad news is that the interviewing company make Avon look like a human rights organisation, according to what I've read about them on the internet. Still, Rome wasn't built in a day.)
That said, financial salvation beckons in the unlikely form of one of my (ex?) students, who will be paying me cash in hand for a lesson tomorrow.
Potential drawbacks:
1. I'm not charging enough.
2. Given the inconvenient location and attendant travel costs, I'm definitely not charging enough.
3. Given that the student in question is none other than HK legend "Deady McHusband" (nickname derived from her favourite conversation topic: her dead husband), I'm definitely, definitely not charging enough.
That said, I'm not feeling too trapped between days: Monday has been a day of small victories.
First of all, I paid my bills without waiting for any of my utilities to be cut off first.
Secondly, I got my pain-in-the-neck computer to actually run a functional Japanese dictionary program. I celebrated this quantum leap in academic potential by neglecting my studies for the rest of the afternoon and playing computer pinball until I finally managed to force the obscene entry I made while drunk off the high score table.
Thirdly, I got my test voucher for this year's Japanese proficiency test: rather than having to hoof it out to the unlovely Osaka University campus I've visited twice before, I'll be taking the test in Owada, which is on my usual train route and much better for my inner calm.
Came to the net cafe after 5km on the treadmill at the gym and found that someone's finally offering me a job interview! Took you long enough, dumbasses!
(Bad news is that the interviewing company make Avon look like a human rights organisation, according to what I've read about them on the internet. Still, Rome wasn't built in a day.)
Labels: MAMMON
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Black Friday II
On Black Friday, we didn't get paid (previous post.) On Black Friday II, a week later, schools didn't even open.
Current situation: at a meeting held in Namba on Friday night, we were told that the company president had got the boot (sound effect: bolt sliding shut on the stable door, followed by muffled horsey-galloping noises fading into the distance). The company now has to find a sponsor to assume its considerable debts and restore it to functioning order, or fold up completely.
As I understand it, in the former case, our benefactors will pay outstanding salaries and everyone will get complimentary chocolate biscuits; in the latter case, we will be eligible to receive 80% of outstanding salary.
In the meantime, school's out! I'm not technically unemployed, but school isn't open, so I'm on my hols.
Right now, I'm firing off resumes left, right and centre. No bites yet, but I daresay the market's a bit crowded at the mo.
Some messages:
Thanks to all who have offered support during this difficult period.
Sorry to all students who currently find themselves up the creek.
Big shout to Nova employees (the ones I can stand, at any rate): hang in there!
And to our erstwhile company president: I hope you go to jail for theft, fraud and incitement to arson.
Current situation: at a meeting held in Namba on Friday night, we were told that the company president had got the boot (sound effect: bolt sliding shut on the stable door, followed by muffled horsey-galloping noises fading into the distance). The company now has to find a sponsor to assume its considerable debts and restore it to functioning order, or fold up completely.
As I understand it, in the former case, our benefactors will pay outstanding salaries and everyone will get complimentary chocolate biscuits; in the latter case, we will be eligible to receive 80% of outstanding salary.
In the meantime, school's out! I'm not technically unemployed, but school isn't open, so I'm on my hols.
Right now, I'm firing off resumes left, right and centre. No bites yet, but I daresay the market's a bit crowded at the mo.
Some messages:
Thanks to all who have offered support during this difficult period.
Sorry to all students who currently find themselves up the creek.
Big shout to Nova employees (the ones I can stand, at any rate): hang in there!
And to our erstwhile company president: I hope you go to jail for theft, fraud and incitement to arson.
Labels: CLAN, COMRADES, MAMMON
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Black Friday and what Dan did next
"Sign of the times" is a new catchphrase I'm mystifying the students with. A good example of such would be the fact that I was in a job interview for a kindergarten on Friday morning. Another would be the fact that I had a raging hangover.
Mutton-dressed-up-as-mutton across the desk asked me how life with the Evil Empire. I shrugged and gave my nth flippant answer of the entire debacle:
"Gimme a minute, I'll run down to the ATM, then I'll come back and tell you."
Friday, you see, was the scheduled date for our (already delayed) paycheck (sic). I jogged down to the cash machine afterwards and, sure enough, my remaining balance was not a single yen different from the previous day.
Depressingly low, in other words.
I crossed out the option marked "curry for lunch" on my mental roster for the day and ticked the box marked "cash penny jar."
Apparently, later in the day, another fax purporting to be from the company (non-headed note paper, illegible scrawl masquerading as president's signature at the bottom) informing instructors that they hadn't been paid (duh, you reckon?) and announcing that attempts would be made to pay us "by the end of the month."
An e-mail arrived from Adam, offering free eats at his place: an offer I couldn't refuse, given the circumstances.
The last bomb of Black Friday dropped when I was on my way home from Adam's- a mail from the man himself:
"Aah! Your stalker just found me on facebook!"
You have to laugh.
***
So, the next dilemma: what to do about AVON's latest betrayal. Job hunting isn't going to be easy with the amount of gaijin jumping ship from AVON at the mo, and I'm not eligible to quit and claim benefits for at least another month. Plus, I don't want to cause any supplementary headaches for my colleagues, so I decided to tough it out and keep going in for the time being. The best part of this is that my train pass became invalid over the weekend and I don't have the funds for another, so I'm now commuting to work on "The Greyhound Bike", an epic feat of pedaling which accounts for about 90 minutes each way. However, I'm riding along the river front and, for the time being, enjoying a new experience.
That said, tomorrow I have the early start, so I asked The Man In The High Castle if I could claim a night's grace on his floor. He assented, in return for which I promised to cook dinner. Who should waylay me in the shopping centre after work, but his stalker?
Giving up on English she burbled out a load about what a terrible situation we're all in and dumped 20-odd kg of perishable foods that she'd bought on me, which goes to show that, whilst her heart may be in the right place, her brain is somewhere else entirely. I did the bowing and thanking and wondered how on earth I was going to cope with biking the whole lot up to the High Castle.
Suffice it to say I managed, and tonight we ate like kings. Tomorrow: who knows?
If and when the pay check finally comes, I'm going to be in great shape from my new commuting arrangement at least.
Mutton-dressed-up-as-mutton across the desk asked me how life with the Evil Empire. I shrugged and gave my nth flippant answer of the entire debacle:
"Gimme a minute, I'll run down to the ATM, then I'll come back and tell you."
Friday, you see, was the scheduled date for our (already delayed) paycheck (sic). I jogged down to the cash machine afterwards and, sure enough, my remaining balance was not a single yen different from the previous day.
Depressingly low, in other words.
I crossed out the option marked "curry for lunch" on my mental roster for the day and ticked the box marked "cash penny jar."
Apparently, later in the day, another fax purporting to be from the company (non-headed note paper, illegible scrawl masquerading as president's signature at the bottom) informing instructors that they hadn't been paid (duh, you reckon?) and announcing that attempts would be made to pay us "by the end of the month."
An e-mail arrived from Adam, offering free eats at his place: an offer I couldn't refuse, given the circumstances.
The last bomb of Black Friday dropped when I was on my way home from Adam's- a mail from the man himself:
"Aah! Your stalker just found me on facebook!"
You have to laugh.
***
So, the next dilemma: what to do about AVON's latest betrayal. Job hunting isn't going to be easy with the amount of gaijin jumping ship from AVON at the mo, and I'm not eligible to quit and claim benefits for at least another month. Plus, I don't want to cause any supplementary headaches for my colleagues, so I decided to tough it out and keep going in for the time being. The best part of this is that my train pass became invalid over the weekend and I don't have the funds for another, so I'm now commuting to work on "The Greyhound Bike", an epic feat of pedaling which accounts for about 90 minutes each way. However, I'm riding along the river front and, for the time being, enjoying a new experience.
That said, tomorrow I have the early start, so I asked The Man In The High Castle if I could claim a night's grace on his floor. He assented, in return for which I promised to cook dinner. Who should waylay me in the shopping centre after work, but his stalker?
Giving up on English she burbled out a load about what a terrible situation we're all in and dumped 20-odd kg of perishable foods that she'd bought on me, which goes to show that, whilst her heart may be in the right place, her brain is somewhere else entirely. I did the bowing and thanking and wondered how on earth I was going to cope with biking the whole lot up to the High Castle.
Suffice it to say I managed, and tonight we ate like kings. Tomorrow: who knows?
If and when the pay check finally comes, I'm going to be in great shape from my new commuting arrangement at least.
Labels: MAMMON
Friday, October 19, 2007
Payday haiku blues
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Haiku, tossers
Haiku composed in class:
Red and yellow leaves.
Mushrooms from North Korea,
harvested by Kim.
***
Notes for those not in the know:
1. Whilst a lot of folks back home will be familiar with the 5-7-5 format (generally courtesy of that South Park episode), some may not be familiar with haiku's seasonal connection. So, if it's not about a season, it's not a proper haiku.
2. The second line refers to matsutake mushrooms, a traditional Autumn delicacy. The Japanese matsutake harvest doesn't even come close to meeting demand, so matsutake are shipped in in great quantity from North America and neighbouring Asian countries, including the DPRK.
3. "Kim" in the third line was originally intended as none other than J.I. himself. On reflection, however, I decided he makes a good Korean Everyman: the name "Kim", after all, is very common in Korea, and graces president and pauper alike.
***
Here's another haiku for my trenchmates:
Gusts of Autumn wind:
dark clouds are thrust asunder
in a madman's dream.
Red and yellow leaves.
Mushrooms from North Korea,
harvested by Kim.
***
Notes for those not in the know:
1. Whilst a lot of folks back home will be familiar with the 5-7-5 format (generally courtesy of that South Park episode), some may not be familiar with haiku's seasonal connection. So, if it's not about a season, it's not a proper haiku.
2. The second line refers to matsutake mushrooms, a traditional Autumn delicacy. The Japanese matsutake harvest doesn't even come close to meeting demand, so matsutake are shipped in in great quantity from North America and neighbouring Asian countries, including the DPRK.
3. "Kim" in the third line was originally intended as none other than J.I. himself. On reflection, however, I decided he makes a good Korean Everyman: the name "Kim", after all, is very common in Korea, and graces president and pauper alike.
***
Here's another haiku for my trenchmates:
Gusts of Autumn wind:
dark clouds are thrust asunder
in a madman's dream.
Monday, October 08, 2007
Words to live your life by
I was in no mood for working: the clouds of doom and gloom which have been hanging heavily over us have not only not been thrust aside (as per the unsubstantiated claims of faxes of dubious provenance) but have intensified.
Rather than occasional flashes of lightning or spots of rain, the harbingers of the coming storm are the occasional anvil or surprised-looking Bengal Tiger falling from on high.
It was in this frame of mind that I gathered up the textbook and chose lesson #1: life goals.
I went into class and doled out the mayhem to a group of variably-competent students with some choice selections from my favourite quotes:
1. "It is not enough that I succeed. Everyone else must fail"
I thought for a bit that this might have been coined by Napoleon, but it later turned out to be Attila the Hun.
2. "It is better to be feared than loved."
Machiavelli, taken somewhat out of context, but an admirable sentiment nonetheless.
3. "Are you happy? Sometime (sic) it's better just to let go."
This last is taken from the cover of my 100 yen notebook. And people wonder why the Japanese are so prone to suicide when they have this kind of material knocking around for less than the price of a Snickers.
The students seemed to enjoy my tomfoolerous lesson. At least, if they didn't, they were smart enough not to let on. The clouds are growling and something large and stripey just hit my umbrella.
Rather than occasional flashes of lightning or spots of rain, the harbingers of the coming storm are the occasional anvil or surprised-looking Bengal Tiger falling from on high.
It was in this frame of mind that I gathered up the textbook and chose lesson #1: life goals.
I went into class and doled out the mayhem to a group of variably-competent students with some choice selections from my favourite quotes:
1. "It is not enough that I succeed. Everyone else must fail"
I thought for a bit that this might have been coined by Napoleon, but it later turned out to be Attila the Hun.
2. "It is better to be feared than loved."
Machiavelli, taken somewhat out of context, but an admirable sentiment nonetheless.
3. "Are you happy? Sometime (sic) it's better just to let go."
This last is taken from the cover of my 100 yen notebook. And people wonder why the Japanese are so prone to suicide when they have this kind of material knocking around for less than the price of a Snickers.
The students seemed to enjoy my tomfoolerous lesson. At least, if they didn't, they were smart enough not to let on. The clouds are growling and something large and stripey just hit my umbrella.
