Saturday, June 27, 2009


In memoriam

I know... I'm bad...


Tuesday, June 23, 2009


Moments I live for, Vol. I

#1033. Cracking funny when someone has a mouthful of drink and making them spit it out.

We were relaxing after the pub quiz and the mum's chum was talking about her two hyperactive cats and how she'd thought getting two cats was such a good idea, sigh...

I delivered myself of the opinion that having two cats is great: they play, chase each other round the house...

"They fight," the mum's chum corrected me.

"Just like boys," the mum chimed in.

"Me and Joe don't fight much," I protested.

"No-o..." said the mum thoughtfully, taking a swig of beer to buy her time in which to think of the best way to qualify this glaring falsehood.

"...'Cuz I 'ad you two neutered," I supply in my best The Mum voice.

The mum fights it for twenty seconds or so, shoulders shaking, face screwed up, before spitting her beer back into her glass, to the delight of all present. Then she clutches her ears, bewailing the built-up pressure in her head.

I live for these moments, among others.

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Friday, June 19, 2009


Karmic warm-up

Wednesday night is football night - a long drive out to Shirley, followed by an hour or more of running around a big astroturf pitch, making the opposition look good.

I was warming up with Paul at the top end of the pitch. I hit a low pass which missed him, but did connect with a squirrel, who'd been keeping a low profile next to the fence. The squirrel ran around in fretful circles; we had a bit of a snigger.

Unwilling to see Nutkin-san meet with further accident, I tried to shepherd him over the fence. The trouble was, he wouldn't go. I had images of him being squashed by a well-hit shot. In the end, we had to walk in formation the length of the pitch with the increasingly jittery squirrel fleeing before us to the gate, while red squirrels around the world threw beer cans at their TV sets and shouted "kill the bastard!" and similar.

Nutkin-san made it out of the gate without mishap. Possibly due to the good karma I reaped from this, I got a couple of goals and broke a streak of several weeks without being on the winning team.

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Monday, June 15, 2009


Friends like these

The party had been going a while; Will was well-oiled and animated, a source of amusement to us all. Suddenly, the effort of standing proved too much for him and he staggered backwards, grabbing onto the kitchen door to steady himself.

The door calmly swung open and Will, bereft of support, disappeared head-first out into the night, landing heavily on the patio outside.

Perhaps best of all was the fact that Rowley, who had been walking up the garden path, had been perfectly positioned to rescue the situation, but had instinctively sidestepped the toppling Will.

Having been thus far remiss in his duty as a friend, Rowley topped it off by carrying straight on into the kitchen without helping Will up.


Friday, June 12, 2009


The Euro elections

The Euro elections, sad to say, weren't nearly as much fun as the Eurovision. I decided early doors to vote Green out of a general disregard for the main parties and because the socialist parties want out of the EU, which I think is a pretty counter-productive attitude; particularly when standing in a European election.

Note "socialist parties" there- plural: the Socialist Labour Party was joined on the ballot paper by NO2EU: Yes To Democracy. Both parties of the left, both campaigning for withdrawal from the EU, so why on earth weren't they working together? There is, I am convinced, a special corner of hell reserved for uncooperative socialist factions, where they have split the vote and end up united in misery under the administration of a jackboot-wearing far-right minority for all eternity. Whichever comrade it is that maintains must have known they were either asking the impossible or taking the piss when they chose the title.

Deep cleansing breath...

The mum did end up voting for the fractious lefties, bless her ideals, while Joe plumped for the pro-european Liberal Democrats, the only one of the three main parties where no one knows the name of the leader.

Joe also made note of the fact that the three of us, similarly-minded people, living under the same roof had all voted for different parties, which probably points to one of the reasons why literate voters throughout the realm are now faced with the ignominy and horror of BNP candidates representing the UK in the European Parliament, although at least we got out and voted, which is more than most of the electorate could be asked to do.

The results in brief:
UK Independence Party13
Liberal Democrats11
Green Party2
British National Party2
Scottish National Party2
Plaid Cymru1
Sinn Féin1
Democratic Unionist Party1
English Democrat0
Christian Party - Proclaiming Christ's Lordship 0
Socialist Labour Party0

Yes, the mum's team finished up further down the table than the god botherers and well out of the running for next season's Europa League.

In the aftermath of the election, Labour should probably have seized the opportunity to load Gordon Brown into a skip with a pitchfork. Sadly, they proved too craven and Brown's beleaguered administration lurches on towards whatever fresh debacle is waiting round the next corner.

Meanwhile, BNP leader Nick Griffin celebrated his breakthrough in mainstream politics by being pelted with eggs by angry protesters, which gave rise to the following SMS gag:

Nick Griffin was outraged by the egg-throwing attack - he says they should have separated the whites first.

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Wednesday, June 10, 2009


The managerial career of Alan Shearer

"Worst caretaker since Ian Huntley," pronounced Dave, getting stuck into his weissbier.

Mine nearly came out of my nose.

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Monday, June 01, 2009



I emerge into the garden to find the tomato plant lying forlornly on its side, its precious soil spilt across the patio. My rage temporarily outweighs my reason:

"That does it- those aphids have gone too far this time!"


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