Trashed elbow

In my earpiece, I could hear Bjarne's calm voice, urging me on.

You are destroying the Tour de France.
Tyler, Tyler, Tyler, you are so strong.
They will not catch you.

You can talk all you want about the BBs [blood bags] and the Edgar [EPO]; you can call me a cheater and a doper until the cows come home.  But the fact remains that in a race where everybody had equal opportunity, I played the game and I played it well.  I took a chance and I pushed myself as hard as I could, and when the day was over, I finished first.  As I approached the line, I slowed so Bjarne could pull up next to me and we linked hands in victory.  The press called it the longest and most courageous breakaway in Tour history.

from The Secret Race



***


I think we could all do with Bjarne Riis in our earpiece every now and then.  The incessant doping and squalid back-street blood transfusions I could do without, mind you.

I read The Secret Race in my local Waterstones over the last few evenings.  The shop has all the things I don't have at home right now: books, warmth and light.  It's an engrossing read - but that was definitely the best bit.

Labels: SELF PRESERVATION, WORDS

And the Earl had said: 'This is my hour, Flay. You must go from here, Mr Flay. You must go away. This is the hour of my reincarnation. I must be alone with him. That you killed him is your glory. That I can take him to them is mine. Good-bye, for my life is beginning. Good-bye ... good-bye.' from Titus Groan

Labels: MAMMON, SELF IMPROVEMENT, WORDS

"God, seriously, I can't take him.  He's just like, what's the score with this then?  What's the score with that then?

"It's called life, mate: you live it."

Labels: DULLARDS, WORDS

Thank you for contacting me regarding the issue of same sex marriage.
The Scottish Government is giving careful consideration to all of the points that have been raised and the Government will set out the way forward very soon.
Thank you for contacting me.
                 , MSP 

In all the excitement of being me and, against all the odds, still being at liberty, I'd quite forgotten that I'd taken the time to vent my spleen at the Scottish Government over inequality in marriage rights.

In fact, I'd rather been put up to it by a circular petition with a pro-forma letter attached. I had at least taken the time to personalise the letter, as you may judge for yourself:

Dear                  MSP,  

I am writing to you in your role as a member of the Scottish Government because the Cabinet is currently discussing whether to allow same-sex marriage in Scotland.  

The current ban on same-sex marriage is discriminatory, and goes against Scotland's values of equality, fairness and social justice. It is wrong to deny lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) people equal rights.  

Therefore, I think it's only fair that you also abolish opposite-sex marriage forthwith. That way, everyone's in the same boat. Plus, people will no longer be able to claim family tax benefits, so you'll generate a lot more revenue.  

Sincerely yrs, &c
Daniel McKeown
(Unmarried)

Labels: DEMOCRACY, DIPLOMACY, MISDEEDS, WORDS

But what actually will happen when he presents this evidence to the world?  Firstly he will come up against the jealousy and infighting which goes on endlessly amongst all researchers in both the conventional sciences and the para-sciences; his method will be questioned and his honesty brought into doubt.  Even if he is part of a ten-man time, all of whom are in total agreement about the evidence, this is how it will be.  In fact in all likelihood the first bickering will take place amongst those ten.

From The Encyclopedia of Ghosts and Spirits
by John and Anne Spencer

Labels: NATURE, PSYCHE, WORDS

I’ll fight with none but thee; for I do hate thee  
Worse than a promise-breaker.

I went along to Shakespeare's Globe on the South Bank this evening to see a Japanese language performance of Coriolanus.  It was my first time at the open-air theatre and the attendant irritations of mosquitoes and low-flying police helicopters drowning out the actors were more than offset by the price of a fiver for a standing ticket.

Coriolanus is my favourite of Shakespeare's plays for its action, its element of tragedy and - not least - its irascible hero and the stuff he shouts at other people:

SICINIUS: It is a mind
That shall remain a poison where it is,
Not poison any further.


CORIOLANUS: Shall remain!
Hear you this Triton of the minnows? mark you
His absolute 'shall'?


...


SICINIUS: Go, call the people:


[Exit AEdile]


in whose name myself
Attach thee as a traitorous innovator,
A foe to the public weal: obey, I charge thee,
And follow to thine answer.


CORIOLANUS: Hence, old goat!


Senators, &C: We'll surety him.


COMINIUS:                   Aged sir, hands off.


CORIOLANUS: Hence, rotten thing! or I shall shake thy bones
Out of thy garments.

***

The production was very Japanese in style and completely baffling at points, even though my Japanese isn't bad and I know the play inside and out.  I enjoyed it immensely though and it was very well received by the assembled audience of tourists, students and whoever else.

It was certainly a great deal better than the film version which came out last year.



My mum, despite being a renowned boffin on all things Shakespeare, was somehow surprised by how homoerotic parts of the film were.  ("It was just like a big pride march," she giggled.)  She wouldn't have it when I gave my opinion that Coriolanus is clearly the most homoerotic of Shakespeare's plays.

For example, this from Coriolanus' sworn enemy, Aufidius:

That I see thee here,
Thou noble thing! more dances my rapt heart
Than when I first my wedded mistress saw
Bestride my threshold.

That does seem a wee bit homoerotic, does it not?  The film nailed its flag firmly to the mast by having the 'This is Spartaaaargh!' bloke in it, but there are other obvious clues:


DAN: It's even got 'anus' in the title.

MUM: ...

Labels: BUNKA, WORDS

"There were eight hundred people in that ship," he said, impaling me to the back of my seat with an awful blank stare. "Eight hundred living people, and they were yelling after the one dead man to come down and be saved. 'Jump, George! Jump! Oh, jump!' I stood by with my hand on the davit. I was very quiet. It had come over pitch dark. You could see neither sky nor sea. I heard the boat alongside go bump, bump, and not another sound down there for a while, but the ship under me was full of talking noises. Suddenly the skipper howled 'Mein Gott! The squall! The squall! Shove off!' With the first hiss of rain, and the first gust of wind, they screamed, 'Jump, George! We'll catch you! Jump!' The ship began a slow plunge; the rain swept over her like a broken sea; my cap flew off my head; my breath was driven back into my throat. I heard as if I had been on the top of a tower another wild screech, 'Geo-o-o-orge! Oh, jump!' She was going down, down, head first under me. . . ."

'He raised his hand deliberately to his face, and made picking motions with his fingers as though he had been bothered with cobwebs, and afterwards he looked into the open palm for quite half a second before he blurted out--

' "I had jumped . . ." He checked himself, averted his gaze. . . . "It seems," he added.'

Lord Jim, Chapter 9

Labels: BUNKA, WORDS

Brrrrrtt...

Click

DAN: Hi Joe.

JOE: Hi Dan, how's it going?

DAN: Good, except I can't find any bloody coffee in this shop.

JOE: Which shop are you in?

DAN: The pound shop.

JOE: Ah. Of course, all the stuff in there comes from other shops which have gone into liquidation. So when you're shopping there, what you're buying is other people's broken dreams.

If he has a point, I don't see it. And I'm becoming increasingly desperate for coffee

DAN: And?

JOE: And coffee happens to be one broken dream that flies off the shelves pretty quickly.

***


Happily, one broken dream that hadn't flown off the shelf was the DVD of Merlin (1998), with Sam Neill, Miranda Richardson, Helena Bonham Carter, Rutger Hauer et al.



Whenever I see such an impressive cast list, I'm reminded of Island of Fire, a poor Taiwanese film which featured most of the hottest actors of the time, as they owed the producer a favour for getting them out of trouble with the Triads.

After sitting through all three hours of the DVD yestereve, I felt that I'd pretty much got what I'd paid for.

Labels: BUNKA, CLAN, THE CREDIT CRUNCH, WORDS

Christmas Eve, and Kianna, my wee little pretty thing of a niece, is explaining to me the pile of presents on the table, bought and gift-wrapped by her mum, my sister

KIANNA: The big one's for you an' the small one's for Uncle Joe...

ME: Just like when Mother Nature was giving out the presents when we were born.

A brief pause

KIANNA: Did you get a big one an' Uncle Joe got a small one?

ME: That's what they say, dearie.

Labels: CLAN, MISDEEDS, WORDS

DAD: Is there a reason why there's a comb in the fridge?

ME: Yes.

A long, uncomfortable pause

DAD: Would you mind letting me know said reason?

ME: I don't actually know what the reason is. I am, however, a firm believer in cause and effect.

DAD: Guh...

Labels: CLAN, WORDS

Joe and I were discussing bad science. His particular goat was getting got by the received wisdom that we should all drink two litres of water per day.

"It's different strokes for different folks, isn't it," I mused. "For example, Princess Diana apparently used to cry five litres of water out of her body every single day."

Joe was delighted by this hastily invented fact. I would call it a falsehood, but I can't say for sure that it isn't true.

Labels: CLAN, WORDS

I've been giving a little thought recently to how the habitual three-hour trudge-fest that is Hamlet might be improved for audiences at the RSC. I'll be sure to mail this in to them just as soon as my medication wears off.



ACT V, SCENE II (Hamlet having just accepted the fencing match with Laertes)

HORATIO
You will lose this wager, my lord.

HAMLET
I do not think so: since he went into France, I
have been in continual practise: I shall win at the
odds. But thou wouldst not think how ill all's here
about my heart: but it is no matter.

HORATIO
Nay, good my lord,--

HAMLET
It is but foolery; but it is such a kind of
gain-giving, as would perhaps trouble a woman.

HORATIO
If your mind dislike any thing, obey it: I will
forestall their repair hither, and say you are not
fit.

HAMLET
Not a whit, we defy augury: there's a special
providence in the fall of a sparrow.

A dead sparrow drops on the stage with a note round its neck, saying THE SWORD'S POISONED. After a brief pause, a second one arrives with a note saying AND SO'S THE WINE

***


Critical acclaim for Dan's proposed amendment to Hamlet:

"It would be nice to see some intelligent people getting involved in the theatre, rather than just people who failed all their GCSEs and decided to take up acting."

Joseph McKeown, BA Acting

Labels: BUNKA, WORDS

The humble charity shop is never to be overlooked as a source of literature, music or random football shirts. Glyn and I, at a loss for anything better to do with a morning in Coventry, were in Age Concern checking out last decade's duds.

Glyn inspected random football shirt #3, whose provenance I forget.

"I don't know, man, I think it might be a bit big on me."

I had a look at the shirt, had a look at Glyn, and didn't much like the look of either. I am not, however, one to discourage foolhardy purchase of random football shirts.

"Nah, just throw a few pork pies down you and you'll soon fill that thing out."

The woman browsing the shelf next to us stifled a giggle. We stopped frowning at the random football shirt and frowned at her instead.

"You do realise," she said, "that's the exact opposite of the conversation two women would be having."

Nothing but magic.

Labels: COMRADES, WORDS

"You can follow them home and go through their bins or take photos of them at Tesco's when they're doing their week's shopping. You can bribe them into saying something stupid then splash it over the front page or you can conspire to abduct their children or you can drive them into a brick wall at a hundred miles an hour.

But you can't tap their phones. That's going too far."

Labels: EVIL, NEWS, WORDS

"I've an idea; just struck me, and you're as welcome to it as if it were your own. P'r'aps that rascal Atkinson has ordered those things, and got them when they were sent home. Rather smart of me to think of that, eh?"

"Very smart," I answered, with great emphasis, while his valet grinned behind a coat. "The affinity of great minds is shown in the fact that the same idea struck me."

The McGovan Casebook: The Wrong Umbrella
William Crawford Honeyman, writing as James McGovan

***


The McGovan books, which first appeared in the 1870s, were supposed at the time to be the memoirs of a real-life Edinburgh detective. In the afterword to my edition of the casebook, Mary Anne Allburger argues the case for Honeyman as an influence on the Sherlock Holmes stories of Arthur Conan Doyle, himself a student in Edinburgh at the time:

The final confirmation may be deduced from Holmes's decision to retire to the South Downs and to keep bees, for thus the violin-playing sleuth becomes a "honey-man".

***


The affinity of great minds was no less in evidence over the Christmas period. My delight at finding as suitable a present for my brother as the anime DVD Sherlock Hound was rather tempered by the fact that he had bought the exact same present for me.



***


It was the end of the evening on Christmas Day and the party was petering out. All the alcohol was gone and both Peters in attendance had in fact retired to the front room to follow the Ashes on the radio. It was unquestionably time to hit the road.

"Let's make like a condom," I announced.

"And split?" asked Katelyn.

"You're very close," I said. "The correct answer is: and piss off."

Labels: BUNKA, CLAN, WORDS

Interviewer: How would you handle a situation like the one that just developed in North Korea?

Palin: Well, North Korea, this is stemming from a greater problem, when we're all sitting around asking, 'Oh no, what are we going to do,' and we're not having a lot of faith that the White House is going to come out with a strong enough policy to sanction what it is that North Korea is going to do. So this speaks to a bigger picture that certainly scares me in terms of our national security policy. But obviously, we've got to stand with our North Korean allies – we're bound to by treaty....

Interviewer: South Korean.

Palin: Yes, and we're also bound by prudence to stand with our South Korean allies, yes.

***


A few years ago, I did a quick pop quiz of American workmates: how many of them knew the capital city of Canada? The two most telling responses are recorded below, both of them well spoken, educated and intelligent individuals.

ME: Caitlin, what's the capital of Canada?

Lengthy pause

SHE: Don't blame me. Blame my government.


ME: Adam, what's the capital city of Canada?

HE: Who the fuck cares?

Labels: COMRADES, DULLARDS, EVIL, NEWS, WORDS

ME: What the hell's that?

HE: I don't know.

ME: What do you mean you don't know?

HE: I mean I do know, but I don't want to tell you.

Labels: CLAN, WORDS

Greebo, the elder of our two cats, was not feeling well. Funnily enough, she seems always to be the one in ill health; our other cat, Stimpy, is as healthy as a horse and could probably survive being steamrollered with no more than a mild headache.

The source of Greebo's discomfort was a swelling in the tear duct of her good eye which, apart from being quite sore, must really have been ruining the remainder of her view.

We stuffed the wretched cat in a picnic hamper and took her off to see the vet.

The vet sucked his teeth and told us there was no choice but to have the cat anaesthetised so he could cut open and drain the swelling. Not ideal for a 17-year-old cat.

I was rather hoping she could go under the knife there and then, but he wanted to get home for his tea and anaesthetic also requires the cat to have an empty stomach.

He sent us away, enjoining us to return the next morning with an unfed cat. I then had to spend ages in the waiting room while he printed off the required consent forms.

"I don't know what's taking him so long," said the receptionist with a nervous smile.

"He's probably googling the cat's symptoms," I suggested uncharitably, in the sure knowledge that nobody was going to be putting a knife anywhere near my face.

***


We returned the next morning to drop Greebo off.

"Has she been starved overnight?" asked the receptionist. I gave her a look.

"Why, yes," I said. "And we've mistreated her this morning."


***


Happily, the vet didn't take out any of my glib comments on the cat and she was none the worse for her operation. The lump has been removed from her tear duct and she now has a cool pink scar next to her eye that makes her look like she's been roughhousing with some other cat.

More importantly, she's much happier and once again has perfect ten-ten vision.

Labels: NATURE, WORDS

The news was running a bit about access to the sex offenders' register. (Access as in who can read it, not how to get on it.)

It was the usual business: parents worrying about shady blokes living on their street, Sarah's Law and so on.

A spokesperson was saying his bit about the potential consequences of the register being available to laypeople.

"If sex offenders are known to people other than the police or registered carers..."

He paused here. I leaned forward, interested in how he was going to euphemise the next bit.

"...They may have their houses burned down."

So much for euphemism.

Labels: WORDS

The Beeb have foisted a new incarnation of Sherlock Holmes upon us: the imaginatively titled Sherlock (Sundays, 9pm-ish).

To commemorate this momentous occasion, I'd like to share a few of my favourite bits of Holmes-style wisdom. Not bits of outstanding deductive brilliance, sadly, but merely examples of him being snide and gittish to his long-suffering sidekick, Dr Watson.

***

I was about to make some remark to him when I raised my eyes to the lighted window and again experienced almost as great a surprise as before. I clutched Holmes's arm and pointed upwards.

"The shadow has moved!" I cried.

It was, indeed, no longer the profile, but the back, which was turned towards us.

Three years had certainly not smoothed the asperities of his temper or his impatience with a less active intelligence than his own.

"Of course it has moved," said he. "Am I such a farcical bungler, Watson, that I should erect an obvious dummy and expect that some of the sharpest men in Europe would be deceived by it?"

The Adventure of the Empty House

***

"The cipher message begins with a large 534, does it not? We may take it as a working hypothesis that 534 is the particular page to which the cipher refers. So our book has already become a LARGE book, which is surely something gained. What other indications have we as to the nature of this large book? The next sign is C2. What do you make of that, Watson?"

"Chapter the second, no doubt."

"Hardly that, Watson. You will, I am sure, agree with me that if the page be given, the number of the chapter is immaterial. Also that if page 534 finds us only in the second chapter, the length of the first one must have been really intolerable."

"Column!" I cried.

"Brilliant, Watson. You are scintillating this morning."

The Valley of Fear

Labels: BUNKA, WORDS