Trashed elbow

I've been giving a little thought recently to how the habitual three-hour trudge-fest that is Hamlet might be improved for audiences at the RSC. I'll be sure to mail this in to them just as soon as my medication wears off.



ACT V, SCENE II (Hamlet having just accepted the fencing match with Laertes)

HORATIO
You will lose this wager, my lord.

HAMLET
I do not think so: since he went into France, I
have been in continual practise: I shall win at the
odds. But thou wouldst not think how ill all's here
about my heart: but it is no matter.

HORATIO
Nay, good my lord,--

HAMLET
It is but foolery; but it is such a kind of
gain-giving, as would perhaps trouble a woman.

HORATIO
If your mind dislike any thing, obey it: I will
forestall their repair hither, and say you are not
fit.

HAMLET
Not a whit, we defy augury: there's a special
providence in the fall of a sparrow.

A dead sparrow drops on the stage with a note round its neck, saying THE SWORD'S POISONED. After a brief pause, a second one arrives with a note saying AND SO'S THE WINE

***


Critical acclaim for Dan's proposed amendment to Hamlet:

"It would be nice to see some intelligent people getting involved in the theatre, rather than just people who failed all their GCSEs and decided to take up acting."

Joseph McKeown, BA Acting

Labels: BUNKA, WORDS

http://www.vespa-crabro.de/hornets.htm

"These wasps are pretty big," I mused. "And they've got all-yellow faces."

"Like hornets, you mean?" This latter was Dave's voice from downstairs.

"That's pretty much what I was thinking."

While my place is a bit of a dump (each time it rains, for example, I end up with more floor and less ceiling) I think the presence of freakishly large pseudo-wasps in the kitchen may represent a new low.

I flapped at the two invaders with a towel, succeeding only in making them angry. Going to a hastily improvised back-up strategy, I made a smart departure taking care to close the kitchen door behind me.

In the downstairs room, while Dave jumped in the shower, I collected my thoughts and my breath.

Then, bzzzzzzzz.

Once I had my heart rate back to below 270 bpm, I answered my phone, which had been set to vibrate, and told Bailey that he'd just frightened me out of my skin. He laughed. Dave and I headed out to meet him for drinks and, when we returned, there was no sign of the yellow-and-dangerous in the kitchen.

Some research this morning informs me that hornets are more docile than regular wasps. They're also supposed to be woodland creatures, although a glance at my garden explains how they might have got confused.



If the hornets have set up shop in my garden (and, please God, not my roofspace) it may turn out well. They're meant to be quite good for controlling garden pests which in my case includes a burgeoning colony of gutter pigeons and the occasional trespasser.

Labels: NATURE

The humble charity shop is never to be overlooked as a source of literature, music or random football shirts. Glyn and I, at a loss for anything better to do with a morning in Coventry, were in Age Concern checking out last decade's duds.

Glyn inspected random football shirt #3, whose provenance I forget.

"I don't know, man, I think it might be a bit big on me."

I had a look at the shirt, had a look at Glyn, and didn't much like the look of either. I am not, however, one to discourage foolhardy purchase of random football shirts.

"Nah, just throw a few pork pies down you and you'll soon fill that thing out."

The woman browsing the shelf next to us stifled a giggle. We stopped frowning at the random football shirt and frowned at her instead.

"You do realise," she said, "that's the exact opposite of the conversation two women would be having."

Nothing but magic.

Labels: COMRADES, WORDS

Dear Dan,

I play for a football team with a really stupid serious name, a stupid serious black kit and all of our players take the game really, really seriously.

Some of the teams we play against have started to accuse us of being too serious, but I think we're not too serious enough. Can you offer any advice?

Seriously Confused,
Real Osaka FC



Dan says:

If you want to make a difference to how the team is perceived, I recommend the following:

1. Start up the blog again, make sure the URL is on the ALT tournament site and be sure always to say diplomatic things about the oppo (we played a great bunch of lads from Kochi, with a vociferous and not-at-all haggard cheerleading squad. We edged a close encounter 55-0).
And disable comments in order to stop anyone from ruining the feelgood vibe.

2. Take along Osaka o-miyage to present to opposing teams prior to group games. Seriously, a few handfuls of dried squid wouldn't cost the earth and make a favourable impression.

3. Change the team name - it worked for Nova!

Here are some suggestions:

Cuddly Osaka
Osaka Pet Rescue
Blackcurrant Osaka (everyone loves blackcurrants)

Alternatively, change the team name to Osaka Jets, get a new pink kit and tell everyone to boot shit out of the opposition and whinge as much as they want.

Disclaimer: The 'Dear Dan' advice column should not be relied upon as a solution to life's woes. Dan's response copied and pasted from Facebook email. Tricky may have phrased his conundrum rather differently.

Labels: THE BEAUTIFUL GAME