Monday, June 09, 2008


Bailey's soccer skills

Introducing Mark Bailey, would-be "talent" (TV celebrity.) Sadly, he has yet to get his big break, but he's been the star of both my youtube videos to date. Here's the latest screen outing for Real Osaka's prodigal son, complete with transcript for anyone who wants to reenact this at home.

Setting: Awaji-shima, on the eve of the ALT soccer tournament (western.)

DAN: You join us here at "Bailey's soccer skills", as the ball has just gone under my chair. Here's Bailey: he's-

BAILEY (brightly): Hi! I'm Bailey. This is my soccer. Here are my skills.

Does about three keepy-ups before dollying the ball off in a random direction.

...that is my skills.

DAN: Sorry, you're going to have to be charismatic a bit louder than that: I had my thumb over the microphone.

BAILEY: (inaudible)... So, for any young kids out there watching, this is how to do skills.

GAMBLE: What do you call this one? What's the move called? "The Bailey?"

BAILEY: This is... ah... this is called "The Peasant", and it goes a little like this:

Manages to get the ball airborne, then accidentally shanks it at Gamble's head. The ball ends up on top of a dresser.

GAMBLE: Ooh God! Oh God! Argh!

DAN: That was like a magic trick, except that I think we all pretty much figured out how the ball got there.

BAILEY: Yeah, it's called "The Peasant" because it's bare, it has no substance and it's generally going to starve to death in any kind of skills tournament. If you're looking for a little meat on the bone, you probably want to go with this-

DAN (giggling): Bailey, I've seen people juggle a dead mole better than this.

BAILEY: A mole would probably be better.

GAMBLE: Show us your magnum.

DAN: A dead mole! The noise it makes when you kick a dead mole up in the air...

BAILEY: I wasn't doing so bad before, it's the camera- ah, there we go... oh god...*

Actually manages to string a couple of keepy-ups together, before spooning it again

DAN: Actually, I wasn't pointing the camera at you that time.

This is a lie designed to boost Bailey's confidence. It works: Bailey manages to keep the ball aloft.

BAILEY: This is, uh, (tries to think of a name) this is "The Hebrew."

Plays the ball off the wall, keeps it aloft, then loses control and ends up hoofing it at the camera.

DAN: Next is "Devin's soccer skills."

Devin looks anything but enthusiastic.

* "God" capitalised for Gamble, but not for Bailey, as I'm fairly sure that Bailey's an atheist.


Disgracefully, Bailey went on to win our Player of the tournament award as Real claimed the Western Japan ALT crown.

Fans of Bailey and Real can also check out How to get a strike: take one and take two

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