Thursday, December 31, 2009


Black Wednesday

I awoke to find the heating had gone off. This is not unusual: my pillow rests against the trip switch in the back bedroom and I do tend to flick it on and off with my nocturnal headbanging. Call it poor roomscaping if you will.

I went to turn it back on. Nothing happened.

The mum announced we had a power cut and she was off to Cirencester. If you think this a bit extreme, I should point out that she had a prior engagement.

She suggested I might like to go to Wetherspoon's for breakfast. I said, rather pointedly, that I'd sooner empty the salt cellar over my walking boots and try to bite through them.

She departed soon after.

A phonecall came from the brother while I was buggering around under the stairs, checking the fusebox. He was ill and wished me to go shopping for him.

I got in the car and started the engine. The windows fogged up.

I wound down my window. It made a wicked clunk! noise and dropped away at a 45 degree angle.

I tried to wind it back up. It made a tortured sound that suggested the glass might shatter and lacerate everything north of my shoulders.

I left the car at the garage and went shopping on foot.

A new window motor, it turns out, will cost £200 and take two weeks to deliver.

It is Black Wednesday and nothing is as it should be. If I have a worse Wednesday this week, I shall be very surprised.


And they say Karma doesn't exist
I had that thought, after previously having blundered through the shorthand 110 with a minging hangover - the universal balance snapping back into place.

Later on, Arsenal conceded a late, unnecessary goal to deny me four crucial fantasy league points. I decided to give up on football and went upstairs in the club to play snooker.

My first shot: red stops dead in the jaws of the pocket; white travels round the table and sails in the top corner.

The dad puts the red away and rolls in the blue for desserts.

It was Black Wednesday and I was up to my neck in a boiling lake of sulphur, with Satan's seagulls shitting on my head.
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