Friday, October 31, 2008


You heard it here first

Fresh turmoil enveloped Downing St earlier today as Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced radical plans to devalue the mile.

The mile, which has been stable at a shade under 1610 metres for about as long as miles and metres have coexisted, may be slashed to 1400 metres in an attempt to reduce fuel consumption, amidst concerns over the country's economic future.

Whilst Downing St insists that this latest step is necessary in the current financial malaise, Tories have been quick to condemn the move as a sensational stunt: Shadow Home Secretary Giles Harmsely-Bigot, writing in the Telegraph, claims that "[Gordon Brown] is simply trying to shift public perception away from the real issues which will decide the next election. For example, why is it now easier to get an abortion than a semi-detached house?"

Should the mile be reduced to 1400 metres, Britain will lose a lot of ground against metric nations, such as its European neighbours:

Europe, as of the end of September, 2008

A projected map of Europe, should the Prime Minister's folly go unchecked

Although Gordon Brown is pushing a "wait and see" policy, anticipating an upturn in the mile's fortunes some time in the new year, pressure will inevitably mount for Britain to cut its losses and switch to the metric system before the situation worsens.

"If we don't act immediately and switch over to the metric system, we could end up smaller than Luxembourg," a prominent backbench spokesperson said, on condition of anonymity and a large bottle of gin from Marks & Sparks.


... "Francia"??
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