Friday, November 24, 2006


Carter, take a bow

Exhibit F, the reporters said
loved you to death after the watershed
Between the Open University and closedown
you were dead

He'd warmed your cockles with his magic tricks
glasses, bottles, bottles, filter tips
John Player Special
Number 666

Exhibit G from the family firm
his bride-to-be taking twisted turns
To give you French kisses
and Chinese burns

You see, she'd had a skinful and she couldn't stop
like a pitbull in a china shop
And all the King's social workers, the ghurkas and the cops
couldn't love you back to life again now

A black eye for a black eye, a chipped tooth for a chipped tooth
a fraction of a half life some housework and some home truths
And nothing but the home truth

And it's goodbye Ruby Tuesday
Come home you silly cow
We've baked a cake and your friends are waiting
and David Icke says he'd like to show us how
to love you back to life again now

After The Watershed (Early Learning The Hard Way)
by Carter USM


There was a time when, if you'd asked me to name my favourite band, Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine would have been the first name out of my mouth before I'd even thought about it.

That was a long time ago.

I mentioned Carter in school yesterday and nobody remembered. One guy even asked me if I was making the name up. Worse still, everyone remembered one-hit trouser snakes EMF. Unbelievable.

I remember, though. I remember Jim Bob on stage at Coventry University calling the students "wankers" to a huge cheer. I remember owning that awesome video of their gig in Zagreb. I remember the last time I saw them being a huge disappointment and the fact that they weren't even enjoying it any more being plain for all to see.

Just the last week or so, I've been spending a lot of time listening to their greatest hits album, The Straw Donkey. They'd probably be pretty cheesed off if they read this page: apparently they hated having to make a greatest hits album.

I guess your heroes can't be your heroes forever. Sooner or later, you have to be your own hero.


Carter vs Placebo deathmatch!

Not dead ringers, obviously, but some striking similarities:

1. Punk music with a pop influence

2. Lyrics riddled with puns and twisted meaning

3. Singer has a really annoying voice

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