Wednesday, June 28, 2006


Now ya talkin'

It's difficult to imagine that he exists, other than as some over-elaborate parody of an English student: all the worst aspects of the aspiring linguist compiled into one glorious hole; hard to imagine, that is, unless you've met him.

He simpers, he smirks, he says "actually" far more often than anyone who doesn't want to become a gaijin crime statistic. He interrupts conversations in progress with such inania as:

"Actually, this reminds me of- aha- a conversation I had with (INSERT NAME OF SCHOOL'S LEAST INTERESTING TEACHER HERE) recently..."
(Gives tedious summary of said communicative debacle. Everyone else in the room follows my lead and stares at him like he's a dollop of rancid knob curd, which, actually, he is.)

He italicises words obnoxiously- don't ask me how:

"As I was saying before, I've been studying- ah- English conversation for two-and-a-half years. At the moment, aha aha, I'm trying to- mm- brush up my listening skills."

He doesn't only grease up the seating at my school, either: he tours around the area sharing out the pain of communication under duress. The Man In The High Castle spake thusly of him (via mail):

as you know, NY is a ----. actually, we gaijin make it an effort to hate as a rule.

Pretty good going: four NY-isms employed, although the total output by far outweighed the sum of its parts. I responded with:

as we were saying before (ahahaha), NY is a sweaty arsepicker.

Which only manages one of his benighted linguistic tics, but offsets this by including his horrendous chortle.

Actually, I make it a rule never to correct his, ah, English conversation. I take, mm, considerable solace from the fact that, ah, as it happens, he will get stabbed if he ever, aha, tries to talk to anyone who isn't getting, mm, paid for their ordeal.


Yeah, I took some measures to preserve the bonesmuggler's anonymity, but you can find his name if you look hard enough. NY gives a bit of a clue- it's also one place he definitely shouldn't plan on visiting any time soon.

A translation of his name kanji would have been "straight arrow." Obviously, that wasn't happening.

i forgot about when he drops the "we japanese" bomb. i love to see the faces of other japanese (or as was the case last week, four japanese and one zainichi korean)stare in utter bewilderment that NY would think that he could group himself with the others.--vmm
Is it Shipton?
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