Trashed elbow

from my semi-final report

The most horrible moment of my managerial
career came when their forward did what looked to me a
big roly-poly dive on the edge of the box (admittedly,
I wasn't in a great position to call it.) I held my
breath as they ran up to take the kick, but the
outstretched boot of Tricky inside the six-yard box
blocked the driven shot. Tricky's Henman-esque
celebration was bang on the money.

"Don't give any more free kicks to that diving
mincer," I yelled in my relief, prompting derision and
death threats from our Superfriendly counterparts
under the adjacent canopy.

And who can blame them?

The clock ticked on towards a PK shootout. I chewed
my fingernails on the bench; it was evidently time for
another managerial masterstroke:

DAN: Issei, you're coming off.

ISSEI: Rightio.

DAN: OK Tricky, I'll take left wing, you go up front.

TRICKY: I don't want to. I like left wing.

DAN: OK, keep your hair on- I'LL go up front.

TRICKY: Dan, why don't you put Taka up front and go on
the right?

DAN: OK, I'll do THAT. Taka, up front.

TAKA: ?

CAM: Who's meant to be up front with me?!

DAN and TRICKY: Taka!

TAKA: ?

As masterstrokes go, it was off to a bad start- doubly
so when I shinned a volley inside the box.

Final whistle- PENALTIES. Gamble relieved Yuusuke of
his gloves ("relieved" being the operative word.)

1ST PEN: their guy slotted home nicely, Cam bashed his
into the top right-hand corner. 1-1

2ND PEN: Gamble celebrated as their guy missed, then
scowled as his firmly-struck shot was parried. 1-1

3RD PEN: Gamble celebrated some more as their guy took
a Johnny Wilkinson-style penalty and everyone
celebrated when Tricky took a classic low spot kick to
the left-hand side, deceiving the keeper. 1-2 in our
favour.

4TH PEN: Gamble got hands on their guy's penalty, but
it was too well-taken to keep out. Yuki #2 gave us
all a good laugh with his one-step run-up abortion of
a kick. 2-3.

5TH PEN: Again, Gamble came within an ace of keeping
their guy out, but that would have deprived me of the
glory and another goal celebration to chafe my shins
with. 3-4.

"OK everyone," I announced proudly, "from now on, you
call me THE ICE MAN." Everyone groaned and there was
a general muttering of the word "wanker."