Wednesday, March 29, 2006


Terminal verbosity

I was reflecting on the phenomenon of last words. A particularly fine example was presented to me in the anime Basilisk when Hyoma comes up with "I have erred," a fraction of a second before his face is pulped by an icy whirlwind of ninja death.

My choices were straightforward: MacDonalds or the B1 food court. I was stood halfway between the two, jacketless in the light rain, with an expression of extreme perplexity on my face. I opted for the evil empire as I could see from where I was that there was no queue at the counter.

Arriving back upstairs with my bag of luke-warm heart disease, I glanced at the schedule and froze in my tracks.

It would have been a perfect time for I have erred, but the best I could bust out with was "Holy Moses Kiptanui, steeplechasing legend of the Masai Mara."

The other teachers looked at me quizzically, accustomed though they are to such outbursts.

What my schedule informed me was that I was not, as I had erroneously believed, on my break; but rather had 80 seconds in which to prepare a class for four students.

By the time I took my seat in front of the four students of English conversation, I had already finished my double cheese burger and the L size fries. For the next 40 minutes I had to stifle burps and hold on for the coffee.


Best last words ever: "Holy cocksucking Christ! I fell out the motherfucking window!"

One my favourite Viz strips: Bob Hope is frustrated in his attempts to leave some humorous last words for posterity when he quips too close to an open window. The final panel portrays a scowling angel of Bob Hope sitting on a cloud, reading a newspaper with the headline Bob Hope's last words not funny, just rude.

Imagine having the presence of mind to get so much profanity out between a second-floor window and the ground. It'd take some doing.

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