Wednesday, February 23, 2005


Concerning fingernails

Fingernails: they grow on the end of your fingers, make it easier to untie shoelaces and sound absolutely dreadful when scraped down a blackboard by the psychotic fisherman in Jaws. But how much can you say you honestly KNOW about fingernails?

Hopefully, it'll be a whole heck of a lot more after reading this post.

- Fingernails continue to grow after death, as do hair and record sales.

- Changes in your fingernails may signify disorders somewhere else in your body.

- Little white patches on your fingernail that take a long time to grow out are believed to be caused by telling lies. This is a myth propogated by liars with perfect fingernails.

- In Japan, cutting one's fingernails at night is deemed unlucky. As is doing anything else at night, other than getting rolling drunk and passing out on the the train.

- The ancient Norse cut the fingernails short on their dead as they believed that the forces of evil would arrive in a ship made of dead men's fingernails (called Naglfar) at the end of the world, and they understandably wanted to delay this as long as they possibly could.

- If you suffer from the filthy, dirty habit of biting your fingernails, please be aware that all your friends think you are a minger and that your intestines are probably lousy with parasites. However, help is at hand! You can find personalised hypnotherapy CDs and cassettes on the internet to help you overcome this habit and rescue your failing marriage. I found a site selling such products and felt strangely tempted to include a link here. Then I panicked, because I thought the bearded freak who was peddling the stuff was somehow beaming this urge into my head via subliminal messages, so I decided not to. In fact, I'm resolved to murder the wacko in his bed before he manages to corrupt anyone else.

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