Friday, January 07, 2005


If you're travelling on Air Canada this month... may or may not find the following movie reviews helpful.

The Bourne Supremacy

plot: some blokes do some stuff, then try to claim that Jason Bourne (Matt Duh-amon) did it and he doesn't know because he has no memory, but he whoops everybody's ass anyway.

This was totally lost on me. Admittedly, I've not seen the first one, but I don't think that it would have made a significant difference to my appreciation of this.

There weren't even any decent special effects, for crying out loud.

verdict: one sniper rifle (out of a possible five)

Searching for Bobby Fischer

plot: dazed-looking kid with no mates turns out to be a chess genius, to much parental bafflement. Kicks a bunch of other kids' heads in at various chess tournaments until an even less popular kid, who's an even better chess player comes on the scene. This leads to much soul-searching as dazed-looking kid drops off the chess tour for a while, only to re-kindle his love affair with the game, make a triumphant comeback and, in a poignant final scene, beat the trousers off the other kid in the major junior chess tournament, leaving the little bastard mentally scarred for life.

I actually loved this, although probably for the wrong reasons.

verdict: five Ruy Lopez openings (out of a possible six)


plot: Halle Berry takes down the cosmetics industry (which is a bit like George Best taking down the organ transplant industry,) in the course of which she locks horns with a granite-skinned Sharon Stone. As if there's any other kind.

This film was way stupid.

verdict one saucer of milk (out of a possible seven)

I spat in the saucer, too.


plot: with Rocky (Sly Stallone) learning martial arts in the Shaolin temple, Clubber Lang (Mr T) takes on Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren) and pistol-whips the Communist fairy.

actual plot: shambling brawler gets a lucky shot at the title, during the course of which he blunders around with his guard down, in a futile attempt to avoid catastrophic brain damage. Also finds true love with friend's sister.

It's a classic. But an irritating classic.

verdict: three jabs and a left hook (out of a possible ten-hit Tekken combo)

I, robot

plot: something about robots imposing a curfew on their human masters and indulging in other behaviour unworthy of an overgrown toaster.

Like The Bourne Supremacy, I can't really say that I watched this movie. I just looked at it.

verdict: three labour-saving devices (out of a possible forty-six)

not on the subject, but the new regime has begun. the kiwi nazi showed up today and already has me conjuring up thoughts of mutiny. acid in the coffee mug? any suggestions?--the vending machine man, last king of korien
At least we only get her three times a week- spare a thought for NIKI...
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