Sunday, October 24, 2004


And now, apropos of nothing...

...Dan's "Are you a Barbarian Warrior" quiz

1. By which of the following do your enemies know you:

a- The Crimson Blade
b- The silent killer
c- The twat in accounts

2. A horse is:

a- a man's best friend
b- a man's best lover
c- a man's best way of getting from A to B and, thereafter, an inexpensive alternative to kindling

3. Your hobbies are:

a- crosswords, reading and golfing
b- burning, looting and pillaging
c- ballet, pornography and cottaging

4. Conan The Barbarian was:

a- ground-breaking
b- abysmal
c- a romantic comedy

5. Your greatest fear is:

a- being dishonoured before the warriors of your tribe
b- soap
c- both of the above

6. You have a mysterious birthmark shaped like:

a- a strawberry
b- a crown
c- a vase, or maybe two people facing each other; it's very difficult to tell.

7. You are plagued by:

a- a strange feeling, which could even be guilt for your bloodthirsty actions (but probably not.)
b- fleas
c- the plague

8. How many times does the letter "X" appear in your name?

a- 2 or more
b- once
c- none whatsoever

9. Your mother was

a- the slave girl of a nomad chieftain
b- the mistress of an Ealing banker
c- mostly drunk

10. You cannot:

a- roll your "r"s
b- recite your alphabet
c- rub your tummy and pat your head at the same time

1. a- 3 points b- 2 points c- 0 points
2. a- 1 point b- 2 point c- 3 points
3. a- 0 points b- 3 points c- 1 point
4. a- 2 points b- 1 point c- 3 points
5. a- 1 point b- 2 points c- 3 points
6. a- 0 points b- 3 points c- 0 points
7. a- 2 points b- 3 points c- 3 points
8. a- 3 points b- 2 point c- lose a point for using the word "whatsoever"
9. a- 3 points b- 0 points c- 2 points
10. a- 0 points b- 3 point c- 2 points


0-10 points: Ealing banker! The last thing you pillaged was your little sister`s piggy bank, you pitiful suburban weed.

11-20 points: Nova Teacher! Definite barbarian potential, but let down by your tendency to use the word "whatsoever."

21-30 points: Barbarian warrior! You are bathing in the tears of your enemies' widows and orphans.

31 or more points: Uber barbarian warrior! So barbaric that you cannot even do the most basic mathematics and you are NOT bathing in the tears of your enemies' widows, as you have a marked aversion to bathing. As do I.


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