Trashed elbow

"God, seriously, I can't take him.  He's just like, what's the score with this then?  What's the score with that then?

"It's called life, mate: you live it."

Labels: DULLARDS, WORDS

Et maintenant, je vous présente a rather outstanding highlight of the final day's action at the World Athletics Championships in Daegu, South Korea.



Notes:

1. Marlon Devonish (Team GB's third leg runner) is from Coventry and was part of the winning British quartet at the Athens Olympics...

2. ...Since which time, the British have been pretty wretched at getting the baton round.

3. America, despite their wealth of talent, have a pretty impressive record of cocking up in the relay likewise.

4. Harry AA (GB's fourth leg runner) irritates me. The only thing bigger than his shoulders is his mouth.

5. Jamaica, who managed to get their baton round without bashing into any of their opponents, set a new world record.

Labels: DULLARDS, U-TUBE

Interviewer: How would you handle a situation like the one that just developed in North Korea?

Palin: Well, North Korea, this is stemming from a greater problem, when we're all sitting around asking, 'Oh no, what are we going to do,' and we're not having a lot of faith that the White House is going to come out with a strong enough policy to sanction what it is that North Korea is going to do. So this speaks to a bigger picture that certainly scares me in terms of our national security policy. But obviously, we've got to stand with our North Korean allies – we're bound to by treaty....

Interviewer: South Korean.

Palin: Yes, and we're also bound by prudence to stand with our South Korean allies, yes.

***


A few years ago, I did a quick pop quiz of American workmates: how many of them knew the capital city of Canada? The two most telling responses are recorded below, both of them well spoken, educated and intelligent individuals.

ME: Caitlin, what's the capital of Canada?

Lengthy pause

SHE: Don't blame me. Blame my government.


ME: Adam, what's the capital city of Canada?

HE: Who the fuck cares?

Labels: COMRADES, DULLARDS, EVIL, NEWS, WORDS

Teaching IT to international students provides me with constant challenges, not the least of which is keeping classroom fatalities to an absolute minimum.

Fortunately, years of teaching experience have equipped me with a giddying array of classroom strategies, the best of which is: keep it relevant to the students' interests.

For example, this week I had to teach Microsoft's Access database: the one part of MS Office that nobody, but nobody is going to use casually in everyday life.

Happily, I'd caught a few of the ladies looking for true love (a willing sap) online in a previous lesson, so I came up with a top exercise: design a database for an internet dating site.

I put some examples up on the board:

Username - text
Telephone number - text
Height (cm) - number

I warned my students against using "number" format for telephone numbers. I also warned them against including "weight" on their list of required fields - as if anyone would ever tell the truth.

I then left them to it for a few minutes before I wondered round and inspected their efforts. It proved a bit of an insight into human nature: several of the ladies had specified salary - number as a required field. Damn gold diggers.

I decided to check on one of the blokes. It wasn't much better.

Virgin - Yes/No

Labels: DULLARDS, MAMMON

"If you expose your opponent's weaknesses enough, eventually those weaknesses will be exposed."

- Big Sam Allardyce

---

Arsene Wenger may be even more angry about losing to Blackburn after Sam Allardyce's masterly exposition on the finer tactical points of the game. It's like being outwitted by a meringue.

Labels: DULLARDS, THE BEAUTIFUL GAME, WORDS

In the 2003 Rugby World Cup semi final between Australia and New Zealand, Australia's scrum half, George Gregan, was picked up on broadcast cheerily calling "Four more years, boys!" to the opposition as the clock ticked down on another disappointing New Zealand exit.

I only wish Gregan had been next to the starting gate at the Olympic Women's Downhill in Vancouver, as Marion Rolland of France made it fully six yards before wobbling on one ski, veering off to the right and crashing to the floor.

Attempts to post youtube footage of this have generally been obstructed by the "dog in manger" attitude of the IOC, who aren't going to be using it on any of their highlights reel, methinks.

I hope she's entered in one or two of the other skiing events and she makes a better fist of it next time.

Labels: BUNKA, DULLARDS

I don't cook for the family that often. When I do, the last thing I like to have is other family members in the kitchen. More specifically, Joe and the dad, who are an insufferable pair of know-it-alls and guaranteed, if allowed to do so, to start bending my ear about what I should be doing.

Yesterday, Joe and the dad came round for casserole. The mum picked both of them up from their respective accommodation and brought them back to 112. Then all three of them immediately gravitated to the kitchen while I was in the latter stages of preparing the feast.

I gnashed my teeth.

"There's quite a lot of people in here, all of a sudden," I said.

The mum took this as her cue and made herself scarce. The other two remained, hovering.

"Yes, you two can bugger off as well," I said, perhaps a little more succinctly.

Out they went. The dad was gone for fully 30 seconds before he came back in on some pretext.

"I will gut you like a fish," I told him, brandishing a wooden spoon to add emphasis to my threat.

"You've never gutted a fish in your life," he scoffed.

"Well then," I said. "You may presume that I shall make a very messy job of it."

Labels: CLAN, DULLARDS, WORDS

It turns out that Australia has a huge feral camel population, possibly numbering up to a million.

According to the article I read in yesterday's Grauniad, the camels were imported and used to explore less hospitable parts of the country.

After they had served their turn, they were turned loose in the desert, their callous handlers figuring they'd die.

In the desert.

I find myself wondering if the Aussies imported sharks as pets, realised they weren't any good and hit upon the solution of drowning them.

Labels: DULLARDS, NATURE, NEWS

It probably is best not to fiddle with switches or controls when riding in the back seat of an air force plane.

A man who failed to obey that principle found himself hurtling out of the cockpit, smashing through the Perspex canopy and into space after grabbing the black- and yellow-striped handle between his legs. He had inadvertently pulled the eject lever and found himself blasted 100 metres into the sky on his rocket-powered seat.

Man accidentally ejects himself from plane
The Grauniad Monday 2 November 2009

Labels: DULLARDS, NEWS

Pictures are available, but not much in the way of text, or meaningful text, at any rate. What is known is that the woman jumped into the polar bear enclosure at Berlin zoo, swam up to the bears, got mauled, then hauled to safety. The papers haven't managed to come up with any reason why the woman wanted to get so close to the bears.

Was it an elaborate suicide bid?

I consider the mum's suggestion, and the possibility of a clause existing in her life insurance, stating that death by polar bear will reap dividends for her next-of-kin.

I suspect that fräulein will be in deep legal scheisse when she gets out of hospital: most probably people will be full of disingenuous complaints about how "traumatised" their children were by her antics (although kids are always secretly hoping to see someone get mauled when they go to the zoo, as am I).

The zoo, meanwhile, should be seeking legal recourse for the fact that their polar bears have developed a taste for human flesh and the zookeepers can't go near them.

Labels: DULLARDS, NEWS

At the quiz, the inevitable happens: a Japanese question comes up. Tel and I look sheepish.

Which group of Japanese people's name means "those that serve"?

The dad's knee-jerk answer is "Samurai." I consider the alternatives, Geisha and Ninja, and conclude that Samurai is probably closest to the mark.

We put down our answer as "Samurai" accordingly. Then the team waterboy pipes up:

"Hang on, what about Geisha? Because they were like Chinese prostitutes or something weren't they?"

"That's absolutely correct: Chinese prostitutes," I concur, somewhat indistinctly: it's not easy to speak through clenched teeth.

Labels: BUNKA, DULLARDS

"Ha ha, some twat's had their car clamped."

"Er, Dan- isn't that Mum's car?"

Now he mentions it, it does look a bit like the mum's car- right down to the identical licence plate. The folly of my gloating is laid bare to me.

"Well I'll be damned."

Labels: CLAN, DULLARDS, MISDEEDS

BERLIN (Reuters Life!) - A German motorist missed a bend in the road, broke through a barrier and hurtled up a bank, crash-landing on a church roof in eastern Germany, police said on Monday.

The bank acted like a springboard, propelling the black Skoda about 35 meters (115 ft) forward and straight into the church's roof frame, where it remained wedged 7 meters off the ground, police said in a statement.

Reuters Oddly Enough


Perhaps the most remarkable thing about this story is that the car involved was a Skoda.

Famously, the humble Skoda has been the butt of such comedy classics as What do you call a Skoda with a sunroof? A skip. et cetera, but I think even the most die-hard Renault drivers would have to marvel at the brand's renaissance.

During the 80s, getting a Skoda through a church roof would have involved to reversing it out of a B52 or similar.

Labels: DULLARDS, NEWS, WEAPONRY

Had to cart the mum off to the doctor's this morning. She has some kind of virus that makes her walk like a zombie; possibly an immature strain of whatever it is that crops up in Dawn of the dead. I don't know.

I did my Christmas cards in the waiting room, then went to do some shopping while the mum was waiting to have her prescription filled in the chemists.

"Large pork pie, please."

"Would you like the pork, or the pork and pickle?"

I gave this undue consideration.

"Hmmm. What's the difference?"

"Well," he began, shortly prior to continuing.

For a second I was back in Japan. He having fully explained the difference to me, I neglected to explain irony to him; the mum was waiting.

Labels: DULLARDS

Went off to a pub quiz last night with Joe, Tel and Lewis in tow. We were going to join forces with the dad, but, as he had a bunch of mates already with him, this would have meant a stupidly large team. We set ourselves up in opposition, in spite of his threats and blandishments.

In honour of the dad, I chose our team name.

"Fin's round?" queried the quizmaster.

"No, Fin's round," I insisted.

On to the first half of the quiz and we were an absolute nightmare, scoring zero for the sports round (oh, the shame.) The dad loved that one.

"Showing your inexperience, lads," he chortled as I screwed up which British PM was nicknamed "the Grocer."

I gnashed my teeth.

We got to the last round, which coincided with last orders at the bar. We took our paper up to the bar with us, so we could fill out answers and order booze at the same time. First question, for four points: name all four members of the Fantastic Four. Easy: Reed Richards, Sue Storm, Johnny Storm and Ben Grimm.

The quizmaster made it easier still by announcing that all that was required was their superhero names. I shook my head.

Over came Tel.

"I think your dad's team may struggle with this one: I just heard them putting down Wolverine."

We all had a good snigger at this, although it later transpired that they'd had Mr Incredible down on the sheet at one point.

Labels: CLAN, COMRADES, DULLARDS

Band practice continues apace: Bog-Irish Mick is good enough to let us drive away the few customers he has with our warbling and shenanigans. He criticises us for having too many "slow" songs, but I say tish and pshaw: our quality will shine through, come Sunday.

A Japanese patron, who is trying (with little- and by "little", I mean "no"- success) to seduce the lady on the next barstool, requests Simon and Garfunkel when I am gearing up to give Cat Stevens a whirl.

Flexibility is every musician's watchword: I dust off The Boxer and sing it quite nicely, if I do say so myself:

Asking only workman's wages, I come looking for a job
but I get no offers,
just a come on from the whores on 7th Avenue
I do declare,
there were times when I was so lonesome, I took some comfort there...

I bring it to a close and am rewarded with no applause, or- even- recognition from Japanese patron. I ask him whence his ingratitude and am enlightened with the fact that he doesn't know The Boxer.

Elaborating on this, he goes on to reveal that he doesn't know any Simon and Garfunkel songs at all, except for Bridge Over Troubled Water. And he doesn't get the title of this right, either.

I call him various things.

Labels: DULLARDS

I posted up an invite to my sayonara on Facebook, set my status to "Dan has let the cat out of the bag" and got on with my morning.

***

5:21pm
Eamonn

what cat?

5:26pm
Daniel

eh?

5:36pm
Eamonn

what cat did u let out of the bag?

5:36pm
Daniel

the feisty one

it was upsetting the others

some would question the wisdom of keeping several cats in a bag in the first instance

Labels: COMRADES, DULLARDS, SELF IMPROVEMENT

DAN and the VMM walking through darkest Neyagawa in search of "Octopus park" (thus named after the garish monstrosity which dominates the play area.) These are strange and scary parts, walking down by the river in the inky murk, the air heavy with the threat of rain above.

DAN: Hey, can you hear someone singing?

VMM: Yeah, I think so.

DAN (into the darkness): SHUT UP!!!

***


The barbecue was a dud, despite being held under the bridge, out of the rain. Some odious tosspot from Toyama (strike one), now living in Kyoto (strikes two and three, plus loss of endorsements), was bending the VMM's ear with his flawless, boring English. When I tried to lend a hand, asking whether Toyama was a nice place, he humourlessly told us that it was, taking care to inform us that the tap water was safe to drink.

We gave him the slip at that point. If the best thing that can be mentioned about Toyama is the quality of its tap water, I think we can see why the guy didn't grow up to be a rivetting conversationalist.

Flawed though my Japanese is, at least I've got something to say. I entertained some horrified listeners with the following tale of the old days in Hirakata:

Dan in the toilet, doing his thing. Large mosquito buzzes past. Dan kills large mosquito. Mosquito really is quite large. Dan takes large, dead mosquito back into the teacher's room (neglecting to wash his hands in the process.) Dan shows large, dead mosquito to Adam. Adam puts large, dead mosquito in the loathsome manager's half-full can of cafe au lait. Satan sharpens his pitchfork and waits for the day the pair of us try to cross the road on a red.

Labels: COMRADES, DULLARDS, MISDEEDS

One of my occasional pleasures / study strategies is grappling with Japanese newspapers. (This should be taken literally to some extent: this place is still in the broadsheet era.)

The business section has little to interest me, likewise the sports section except in times of sumo. What I pray for every time I buy is some really bizarre or gruesome incident to read about. Earthquakes are pretty good, although unscheduled helicopter landings are also a favourite. The exaggerated perils of Chinese food provide some interesting vocabulary, as well as some nice examples of how to dress up your xenophobia as civic concern.

A few weeks ago, I was blessed with a rather nasty incident in Kyoto zoo. According to the newspaper, a zookeeper was found severely injured in the tiger enclosure and later died of his injuries. Of the two tigers present, suspicion fell on Victor, a male, because of conspicuous bloodstains around his mouth.

The article also made mention of an incident at the same zoo three years previously, involving the mauling of another of the hapless zookeepers by a "North Pole bear."

I was absolutely horrified: the Japanese have two words for polar bear. I was already familiar with shiro-kuma ("white bear"), but it turns out they also have hokkyoku-guma ("hokkyoku" meaning the North Pole.)

I think this rather unfair in light of the fact that the crocodiles and alligators both have to make do with the word wani. Adam and I used to devote a lot of energy to teaching students the difference between these, cheetahs and leopards, right and wrong, as well as other things.

The title of the post may give you some idea.

Labels: BUNKA, DULLARDS, WORDS

SHE: Dono gurai nihon-go shaberemasu ka?

ME: Kono gurai.

How much Japanese can you speak?

This much.

Labels: DULLARDS